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My reaction when someone tells me their relationship isn’t working because of their partner

December 9, 2023


I get it.

There’s only one problem in relationships:
We date people people who unfortunately aren’t as perfect as we are. 🤣

Back in my mid 20’s I went on a ‘tinder/bumble rampage’

I was certain that I was not the problem, how could I be? 🙄🫠

I just wasn’t meeting the exact type of woman who would inspire me to commit.

Sexy but not slutty
Classy but not prude
Spiritual but not hippy
Spicy but not crazy
Hardworking but not too masculine
Sensitive but not too emotional
Smart but not in her head
Wild but not reckless
Wealthy but not superficial
And with a big ass, among dozens of other requirements. 😅

I knew that if only I found “the one”, my relationship would be effortless, passionate and nourishing.

And since I was clearly not the problem then it just meant that I hadn’t met enough women or put myself out there enough to meet someone up to my “standards.”

The next few months were some of the most tiring yet informative of my dating journey.

It became a full time job.

I’d go on 5-7 dates per week..

Most weren’t quite it..

And the ones that seemed promising wouldn’t last past a couple of weeks of dating. I’d see all their flaws..

The plain truth is that I hid my fear of connection behind unreasonable standards and a goalpost that kept moving.

I hid from taking a hard look in the mirror by obsessing over the flaws of others..

It was easier for me to say “there aren’t women worth committing to.” than it was to accept I was not a Man capable or ready of commitment.

Easier to say the dating pool in Toronto was 🤢 than it was to admit I was continuously gravitating towards the same type of women.

After hundreds of dates the pain of frustration made it evident that I was the common denominator.

My relationships weren’t going anywhere not because of whom these women were, but because of whom I wasn’t.

I wasn’t connected with my heart
I wasn’t able to communicate my emotions
I wasn’t in touch with my “No.”
I wasn’t aware of my needs
I wasn’t trustworthy
I wasn’t honest

I wasn’t ready.

Neither was I ready for the depth of honesty and courage it would take to look within myself and see all the ways -conscious and unconscious- in which I was closed off from the love I pretended to want so much.

The truth is that it is rarely the other..

In relationships it is always about US.

And often all about you.

See.. if you transform who you are, the new you will draw a completely new part out of your partner.

I have seen this over and over in my work..

Men becoming devoted “out of nowhere”, once she did her own work.

Women feeling turned on once again, for “no apparent reason.” once the guy dealt with his BS.

We hold incredible power,
Let us not pretend we are victims of our circumstances..

Or buy into the lie that another has become the gatekeeper to our joy.

“If it’s to be, it’s up to me!”