1- Is there *actual* communication happening? or have you degraded into mutual venting, blaming and attacking?
Is there anyone listening? at all?
When both people’s pain and triggers are present it’s impossible to solve anything.
If past conversations have not been resolved, resentment is carried forth and nothing you do will land with the other until you do a process of clearing up the air.
So ensure you take out the trash before you try to cook something new, otherwise it will all stink anyways!
2- Is he/she being difficult or are you in a difficult state?
Are they *really* a pain in the ass? or is work stressful, community and healthy friendships lacking and your nutrition and sleep are way off…
Always take care of the contextual variables before you cast blame on your partner and place the weight of your poor self-care on the relationship.
3- Do you have clarity around the issue at hand?
Is it their problem to solve?
Are you sure?
There’s been countless times I was certain that the argument with my wife was because of something she was doing or failing to do right.
Turns out that the moment I looked into the role I played and shifted my side of things, the parts of her that were a match to that also dissipated.
If you’re not sure if it’s his/her issue or yours, or if you don’t know how to clear the air after so much pain and arguments, and even if you don’t know how to truly take good care of yourself..
Remember that relationships don’t exist as isolated bubbles from the rest of the world.
Community, mentors and elder play the role of being external resources you have access to, when you feel under-resourced to navigate your relational challenges on your own.
There’s no shame in asking for help.
But it’d be a shame if your relationship dies because you were too proud to.