We want them to be self-aware:
To acknowledge when they’ve acted in ways that reduce the flow of love in the relationship and to repair accordingly..
To be gentle in the way their fears, insecurities and flaws come out to play..
but we do need them to navigate their humanity with kindness, consciousness and hopefully a little humour.
We do not need that they feel great 24/7 yet we would love to see them take responsibility for when they don’t.
It’s not that your sadness, anger, jealousy, fear or pain is not welcomed here..
It’s that the way in which you bring it forth has the potential to enhance intimacy or division between us, and you often choose the latter.
It’s not that you are not entitled to your emotions and the intensity of them..
It’s that I’m not a dumping bucket to whom you can vent, snap and explode your undigested wounds without a second thought.
I am human too.
I feel pain too.
As we navigate our wounds, shame and fear it helps to be kind with one another.
Yes, we are ultimately responsible for how we feel 100%.
Yet it’s easier to arrive to that sense of wholeness in a supportive environment with a supportive partner.
You could technically reach deep meditativeness in the middle of a nightclub, but most likely you won’t.
So you go into nature, embrace silence, stillness and consecrated spaces that may support you in getting there..
At some point of your journey you are a fragile seed just starting to sprout. Vulnerable to the winds, bugs and steps of everything nearby..
Boundaries (a little fence) serve to safely nourish that seed while it establishes its roots in a way that it’s more self reliant..
The day will come when you’re a strong oak.
Unshakeable by the winds, and unmovable by nature’s (and others’) whims..
But in all truth, very few humans are there.
Most of us are somewhere in-between and we must be honest with ourselves about it..
Never pretend to be a saint unless you have the heart of one.
Otherwise you’re bound to bypass your pain and your healing under the pretence of being spiritual.
And you will find yourself resentful, frustrated and disempowered as people did what they did and you kept quiet because “We’re all one. I’m responsible for what I feel. They’re just mirrors..”
Yes.. aand… experientially you’re NOT there yet.
This part of your journey may require that you develop the muscles to build a little (or a big) fence around your heart.
A healthy relationship is therefore not the meeting of two enlightened beings who don’t need anything from each other and are not impacted by each other in any way.
That’s mere fantasy..
A healthy relationship is where two humans meet, full of virtues and flaws, and their love is greater than their fears.
This is what we ultimately want:
To feel that our commitment to communicating with kindness and vulnerability is greater than our desire to lash out, punish or close down when in pain.
To never feel the pressure of the other’s difficult emotions on our shoulders..
And simultaneously, to embrace the gift we have in supporting the regulation of the nervous system of our beloved.
In other words, to be loving, kind and generous to each other out of inspiration and devotion, never out of demand, fear or expectation.
We don’t want our partner to be perfect, divine Gods / Goddesses..
We want them to be conscious humans.
To own their darkness..
And befriend their abandoned parts..
To be open about it all..
Without projecting it.
To share their heart, not their blame.
To voice their truth, not their assumptions.
We want them to meet us in the middle..
Sweat, tears, grief, smiles, laughter, bliss and everything in-between.
To show us the ocean of the life that they are,
without the compulsion need to pull us in to drown together into their storms.
We don’t ache for perfection,
we ache for awareness, beauty and compassion.