(Toxic feminism and Red pill stuff)
Now before you throw your arms up in the air and start getting your knickers in a twist, read until the end.
For it is only by recognizing and embracing the nuances of being a man and a woman in todays world that we have a genuine opportunity at thriving, together.
Feminism isn’t all bad.
The red pill movement isn’t all bad.
Yet “not all bad” is not the same as great.
Even the government is not that bad all of the time, and that ex you finally ended it with, wasn’t ALL bad.
So the first frame from which to have this conversation is the understanding that if we want good, we need to let go of mediocre.
If we want Great, we must sacrifice “good enough.”
Feminism has played a good enough role in its attempt to bring -much needed- equality to women.
The problem has come when in its quest towards equality it started to pursue sameness..
Women have been forced to be more masculine than ever before and to compete with men at large..
Very often at their own detriment.
My DM’s are flodded with messages from very strong, capable and empowered women who are aching to find a man they can “finally relax” with..
Someone with whom they don’t have to perform, nor babysit into emotional, spiritual or financial maturity.
Most of these women had to take their life on their hands at a very early age, “wear the pants” and get sh!t done.
(Very often in much more efficient ways that most men would have.)
Nothing wrong with that, yet many of them reach a point where they face the fallacy of the twisted masculine promise of “fulfilment after accomplishment.”
A feminine being will NEVER arrive to the blissful home of her heart through doing, doing and doing.
So toxic feminism placed a lot of implied expectations on women at large and whom they should be and the life they should have – often using the things that men valued as a measuring bar..
While simultaneously putting down men at large, “the patriarchy” and any expression of uncomfortable masculinity.
Wounded mothers made sure to eradicate from their boys the traits they feared or were unable to reconcile with their own (ex)husbands.
So women have been hyped up into being more masculine while men have been shamed into being less masculine..
Everybody is suffering as a result.
What started as empowerment has become a banner behind which wounds find expression.
“All men are pigs!”
“All masculinity is toxic!”
They shout, forgetting that in doing so they are re-enacting the exact same behaviours they say to be standing against. (all women are s!uts! all femininity is entitled, dramatic, crazy!)
The Red Pill movement is the mirror to the toxic feminism one.
It invites men into taking charge of their own life and focusing on “being better men” and getting their life together without being obsessed chasing after women..
Because women are -after all- “not to be trusted.”
What is experienced as empowerment for some actually stems from deep rooted misogyny:
Groups of wounded manboys beating their chest loudly and calling themselves “alpha” as they belittle women and their role in society to “level the playing field” of what they deem is a society and nature that favours women..
Or in other words:
Dudes whose pain with the feminine led them to close off their heart and focus on work, the gym and their hobbies..
Therefore packaging avoidance as virtue.
Most of these men also suffer because in their worldview a woman will always ditch a guy if she finds a more attractive partner with greater access to resources.
The ideas of genuine love, connection and commitment are deemed mere fairytales..
For it’s easier to tell themselves great women (and great love) does not exist than it is to take responsibility for not being the kind of man able to attack the love of such women.
Many heartbroken guys do end up finding more meaning and strength through this movement, as anyone whose attention shifts -from their pain to their possibilities- would.
The issue is that the core dysfunction is not addressed..
Whether it’s the feminist bashing men..
Or the Red pill guys bashing women..
No matter how empowered they feel or how many new opportunities have become available in their life due to their philosophy..
They are all bound to suffer.
For they operate from a completely toxic and misaligned frame of reality.
The frame that says that men and women are fundamentally against each other.
As if it was a zero sum game.
This filter takes into account (and magnifies) the violations while forfeiting all the benevolent, vulnerable and loving acts.
No matter what you say, every time you lean towards the extremes you distance yourself from the other.
And in relationships our goal is union, not further separation.
So we must grow into a level of maturity where we clearly see there’s a lot of garbage out there.
(And recognize it’s not the people or gender but in the patterns of relating..)
And we must not let what we see rob us from knowing that beauty is possible.
We must look into each other’s eyes and recognize that we all come with flaws and virtues, and that if we gaze long enough we may even touch the divine possibility that lies within another.
We must honour the fact that we’ve all messed up, men and women..
But also at one point we need to decide that we will not be defined by our past..
And most importantly we need not define one another by it.
It is not an easy endeavour to come to terms with the light and darkness of the masculine, with the warmth and shadows of the feminine, and to see that love is still possible..
Not in spite of all this but because of it.
For only when we make peace with that which hurts within we have a solid chance at making amends with each other.
And in that integration we will finally see that our power (and relationships) need not be rooted in pain..
It can, instead, be fuelled by love.
This is the way.