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“There’s only one sentence in the bible about how you should choose a partner, and it says that you should choose someone that you could go to war with.”

October 2, 2023


I heard this in a podcast the other day, and the context seemed to be one of: Choose someone who pulls their own weight, not someone who’s going to weight you down.

(or in simpler words: Date a mature adult, not someone you’ll have to parent into maturity.)

However, I feel that the meaning may have been misconstrued.

“Choose someone you could go to war with.” was perhaps taken too literal.

I believe it means to choose someone you can navigate conflict with.

Someone with whom you can have difficult conversations without degrading into blaming and shaming one another.

A partner who is willing to call you out on your nonsense just as much as they are open and receptive to be called out on their own.

Someone who knows how to communicate truthfully AND compassionately.

Someone who knows how to listen.

Someone who knows how to say “I’m sorry” when needed.

And whose apologies are followed by changed action.

Someone who -also- accepts your apologies and does not carry grudges.

Someone you can bring your difficult emotions to and explore them with.

Someone you can go to war with -to me- means someone you respect enough to see as worthy of receiving your truth, and you love enough to “fight” artfully and with kindness.

Date someone with whom conflict can be had in a way that it nourishes intimacy, understanding and passion..

Not frustration, resentment and disconnection.