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MEN OR WOMEN: WHO’S (REALLY) TO BLAME ?

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Most of the women I have worked with were REALLY hurt by unconscious men.

Whether it was in the form of total absence (a father that abandoned her and her mother) or in the form of total abuse (emotional, physical and sometimes sexual)

It was a MAN that inflicted the core wound that planted the seeds of the dysfunctions she now suffered in her relationships (with herself and the masculine at large)

Whether a dad, a family member, a friend or a past partner – women carry the burden of male’s unconscious behaviours.

Their heart aching for the sacred masculine to show up.

For men to grow up.

For boys to man up!

Look around: 94% of jail occupancy is male and the rest is female. Men rob, men kill, men create wars, oppress and perpetuate violence, trauma and so on..

So, men are to blame.. right?

Well, not really.

A study was made researching the factors that were believed had the highest correlation with a person being inclined towards crime – assuming that social status, poverty, area of residence, at-home violence and education level would score the highest.

And while there was a positive correlation between those criteria, the one that VASTLY influenced whether a man turned out violent and ended up in jail was this:

Being raised by a single MOTHER.

The likelihood of a boy ending up in jail increased drastically if the woman consumed substances (alcohol, cigarettes and drugs) during pregnancy and even higher if her mental and emotional state was unstable.

A woman’s unconsciousness when pregnant and during the upbringing of her child are therefore the highest determining factors of a boy growing up with absent empathy, compassion and respect.

So most of the men responsible for the highest percentage of abuse, violence and chaos perpetuated in the world could argue that “they have their mom to blame.”

See! women are to blame..

Ehm.. Well.. it’s not that simple!

We could then imply that the reason the woman ended up like that was because her partner left her alone – putting then the ball in men’s court once again..

Then some would rightfully argue that these men probably left the relationship due to that woman’s emotional turmoil and that high quality men would not be drawn to low quality behaviour in a woman..

And like this we can endlessly go back and forth.

For every victim we can find somebody to blame.

For every hurt woman, we can find a man responsible for inflicting the pain.

For every man that hurts others, we could find dysfunction in his upbringing and in extreme cases, a woman responsible for raising him like that.

For every woman raising a child alone we can find a man who had a baby and did not step in to support and educate him..

and the cycle goes on and on and on..

Because it is NOT (and it never was) about battling between the sexes.

And even though it may be hard to recognize this, it was not the MASCULINE or the FEMININE that created a dysfunctional environment.

In fact, the masculine and feminine are just energies present in all of creation – and like electricity, they’re neutral.

There’s no such thing as “toxic electricity” anymore that there’s such a thing as toxic masculinity or toxic femininity.

There’s just UNCONSCIOUS behaviour – present in both men and women.

Present in every human, regardless of race, status, education or upbringing.

So while I acknowledge that you may have been hurt by the opposite gender, I invite you to consider that the FIRST step you must take towards your own healing is to separate their unconsciousness from their gender/energy.

This is where wars start, resentment builds up, apathy, sexism and racism are fuelled.

I was once beaten up for no reason by a person of colour in the streets of Toronto and I never even thought of it as enough of a reason to carry grudges against a whole race.

It would have been ridiculous to do so..

Yet the pain I felt in connection with a woman when I was younger had me walking with fear, resentment and anger towards ALL women for years. (and unfortunately, treating them accordingly)

Silly right?

Healing starts the moment that you recognize that:

1- There’s nobody to blame.

2- A person hurting you was ALL ABOUT their state of unconsciousness and had nothing to do about them being men/women.

3- The abuse you suffered had everything to do with them and their own unresolved pain and little to do with you deserving it.

4- To paint the whole world with the same brush is not only silly but detrimental to your experience of life.

So next time that you find yourself in a conversation about “men this, women that” remember that what’s hanging (or not) between anyone’s legs is far from being as important as that which resides within their hearts..

Remember that the conversation (and the adventure of life) is one of moving from unconsciousness towards consciousness, from darkness and into clarity and light, and from fear into love.

And that any time spent in blaming others (especially a whole gender/energy) is time wasted..

It’s like adding wood to a fire that already burnt you.

For it is through communion, inclusion and compassion that we start to understand that the way forward (and the way of healing) is together..

And divisive narratives do NOTHING useful and do not serve anybody. In fact, they perpetuate the cycle of violence, family dysfunction and apathy among ourselves.

On the other hand, we are all victims of unconscious behaviour.

And that of others not nearly as much as our very own.

So start with your home.

Start at home.

Start with you.

And you’ll see that there was never any reason to blame,

and that if you fight the war, you perpetuate the shame.

For the pain you felt, is pain that’s long over,

and what you do with it, is your choice.

You can die a warrior,

or live a Lover.

The choice is yours.

ūüôā
Nicolas Canon
Nico Canon is an artist, writer and dating coach. His art and writing are about reclaiming our right to be seduced by our lives and relationships. Through his work he explores the links between people and their deepest and rawest desires, opening up a bridge of self-expression and acceptance.

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