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Marriage has been the deepest medicine for me.. Bittersweet at times

November 25, 2023

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Bitter because I’ve wrestled with the parts of myself that feared intimacy, responsibility and commitment.

Bitter because I had to be honest with myself about the ways in which I was addicted to the pursuit of love, yet deeply scared to actually love and be loved..

Bitter because it brought to the surface all those sneaky, seemingly unlovable parts of me that I managed to keep hidden through casual dating..

Bitter because it forced me to purge out my expectations (and controlling tendencies) in regards to my lover and whom I arbitrarily thought she should be..

That was bitter because I had confused being in control for being safe and I had to embrace the initial anxiety of learning to trust another..

Which was nothing other learning to trust myself in reality.

Yet marriage has also been sweet..

Because it helped me break the sociocultural conditioning towards hyper-individuality.. and therefore not feel like I had to do life alone..

Sweet because in the process of loving someone else deeply, a higher north and standard emerged from within me..

A calling that reminded me that I could -perhaps- be the kind of man, husband and one day father, that I wish I could’ve had as a role model growing up..

Sweet because I went from thinking it couldn’t get any better being on my own, to learning that happiness and meaning multiplies exponentially when shared..

Sweet because I softened into long-abandoned parts of myself, that goofy boy full of energy, joy, curiosity and playfulness..

The essence of who I was before I allowed for pain and closure to become the norm, mistrusting others, fearing life and hiding my heart away with a lock.

Sweet because my wife loves sweets and flowers and warm tea and sunsets and walks holding hands and morning cuddles and many other things 🌸 I was too busy, too serious or too “single-pointed, masculine and on purpose” to pay attention to and enjoy.

Sweet because I’ve grounded myself into the present moment more, let go of countless addictions and negative habits and embraced life with more vulnerability, patience and love..

Sweet because all of that and more have spilled into a lot of peace, passion and prosperity.

Marriage has been a daily medicine where my rough edges keep being sanded down day after day..

Piercing deeper than the 100s of master plant ceremonies and the dozens of workshops, books and courses I’ve taken in two decades of inner work..

A deep scrub for the soul.

Marriage is life amplified..

Deep, sacred medicine, if you let it be.

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