I ran a business that made more money I knew what to do with..
Dated a woman who was into other women, open for wild explorations..
I lived a life of external validation and approval..
Until it all came crashing down.
A difficult breakup felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath me.
I was angry and resentful and had lots of excuses to feel that way (she’s reactive! she’s not supportive, she’s emotionally volatile..)
She’d threaten to leave me, I’d chase after and try to fix it..
Until we both had enough.
I was in a deep hole and I thought she was the one to blame.
I spiralled out of control into numbness, addiction, avoidance and workaholism.
Friends and family started to worry when “happy Nico” was replaced by “hungry ghost Nico”.
Unsettled, confused, stressed.
Not knowing what to do with my life..
Or how to move on from the pain of losing someone with whom I thought there was so much potential.
Turns out I didn’t have it all together..
I was just too distracted and numb to notice, so life had to shake me up and yell!
I had been avoiding my emotions since I was young..
Suppressing my trauma and ignoring my intuition..
I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.
It would have meant I was not whom I thought I was (strong, independent and capable.)
Yet that was the only way.
Life humbled me enough to listen to those who had been where I was..
To extend my hand and allow for other men to help me move forward.
My life is better because of the crisis I went through..
But it was a close call where my business, health and relationships suffered.
To the men reading this -and going through a dark night- you’re not alone brother.
You don’t have to suffer in silence..
Or feel shame around your pain.
There are Men who care.
I’m here for you.
You just need to stop pretending
and be truthful.
Tell it how it is..
And feel it fully.
That’s the first step.
Pain and heartbreak are an initiation.
They will make you or break you.
So don’t bear your burden alone.