I used to feel that my sexual energy was like a horse too wild to tame..
Too intense to be controlled or repressed.
At the same time I knew that unchecked, unbridled sexual expression leads to chaos, the loss of integrity and the prioritization of impulses and desires over conscious action.
I’d suppress them and explode, or let them free and drown in them..
So last year in ceremony I asked the medicine to “heal” this part of me.. (back then, I still saw it as something “wrong”, shameful and unworthy that I needed to vanish once and for all -thank you catholic church!)
And as I felt the effects kick in, my horniness started roaring and reaching unprecedented peaks..
With it the shame of feeling so turned on in a sacred space..
Feeling on the verge of exploding into a million orgasms..
Wondering if the shaman or anyone else would notice
I wanted to hide..
But I didn’t. It was too intense to control..
and even though there was fear in my heart I allowed myself to fully feel it, and tears came pouring from my eyes..
For I saw that what I wanted to get rid of, was the force of life itself.
In that moment I felt absolute passion and love towards every plant, every flower, every man and woman, every breath, every ant and bird.
And I realized that desire only consumes us when we discriminate..
For if only a hot young woman can turn me on I will forever be enslaved to those forms if I want to feel alive..
But if all of existence becomes my beloved, Life itself becomes a sexual act.
One where I get to penetrate the moment with my presence and involvement..
Where I become one,
with everything I see,
anywhere I stand.
A oneness so complete it demands no further action nor suffers the illusion of separation or rejection.
I saw that my impulses were an issue only because the energy was entangled with my mind and therefore dependent on mental fantasies to seek satisfaction.
Now I see desire is the source of life itself
The eternal dance of the masculine and feminine within me.
So I now choose to love fully.
All of me..
And be cause of that,
ALL of you.