I took pride since I was a child in being very stoic, grounded and unperturbed..
My partners were always the emotional ones..
I always got sh!t done on my own.
A one-man army who never needed help and was always there to help others.
This last month I’ve come to the difficult realization that part of what I perceived as spiritual and emotional maturity was merely covert avoidance.
It’s not that I was a peaceful, always composed human.
It’s that I had shamed and hidden away many emotions
Growing up in a household where my mom was emotionally volatile; I was afraid of feeling.
And when I felt strong emotions they were never validated.
So I learned to be “the safe lover”, safe friend, safe business partner..
And by safe I mean repressed.
I never needed anything..
Not because I was spiritually enlightened and needless but because it was scary to need.
I now see the subtle ways in which I said yes when I meant no.
The ways in which I hid my truth just to keep connection.
The ways in which I’ve been accommodating to everyone around me – at the expense of my own heart.
And it’s a scary journey to feel..
and tell the truth..
and see people shocked when I do so..
and soothe myself in the moments that follow.
Yet I trust that only in real and raw foundations, true love, friendship and service can sprout.
So I’ve been cleaning my closet off old skeletons, shaking hands with demons and giving a voice to the unmet emotions and needs I suppressed for decades..
And it’s been equally rough and transforming.
I feel tenderly alive,
I feel deeper integration with every difficult word I share with another..
And see the potential for greater love as a result of it.
I’ve started feeling my heart in ways that surprise me and in turn, I’ve seen sides of the world and those around me that I had never seen.
Beautiful and confronting..
Supportive and dismissive..
Welcoming and distant.
I see that in order to be a great Man, I must stop being a good boy.
And in order to love I must risk.
I must feel.