I took pride since I was a child in being very stoic, grounded and unperturbed..

My partners were always the emotional ones..

I rarely cried.

I always got sh!t done on my own.

A one-man army who never needed help and was always there to help others.

This last month I’ve come to the difficult realization that part of what I perceived as spiritual and emotional maturity was merely covert avoidance.

It’s not that I was a peaceful, always composed human.

It’s that I had shamed and hidden away many emotions

Growing up in a household where my mom was emotionally volatile; I was afraid of feeling.

And when I felt strong emotions they were never validated.

Especially anger.

So I learned to be “the safe lover”, safe friend, safe business partner..

And by safe I mean repressed.

I never needed anything..

Not because I was spiritually enlightened and needless but because it was scary to need.

I now see the subtle ways in which I said yes when I meant no.

The ways in which I hid my truth just to keep connection.

The ways in which I’ve been accommodating to everyone around me – at the expense of my own heart.

And it’s a scary journey to feel..

and tell the truth..

and see people shocked when I do so..

and soothe myself in the moments that follow.

Yet I trust that only in real and raw foundations, true love, friendship and service can sprout.

So I’ve been cleaning my closet off old skeletons, shaking hands with demons and giving a voice to the unmet emotions and needs I suppressed for decades..

And it’s been equally rough and transforming.

I feel tenderly alive,

embodied,

and aware.

I feel deeper integration with every difficult word I share with another..

And see the potential for greater love as a result of it.

I’ve started feeling my heart in ways that surprise me and in turn, I’ve seen sides of the world and those around me that I had never seen.

Beautiful and confronting..

Supportive and dismissive..

Welcoming and distant.

I see that in order to be a great Man, I must stop being a good boy.

And in order to love I must risk.

I must feel.