And unfortunately, that’s where most of us start from:
Attempting to paint on a canvas we’ve unconsciously spent our lives gradually staining.
(yet with awful compounded effects)
“It must the the brushes..”
“I better change the brand of paint..”
“It must be my skills, I gotta try harder and better..”
We may say after repeatedly creating a piece that doesn’t resemble what we wanted.
Relationships (especially romantic ones) are exactly the same.
People spend fortunes and decades running after love, trying all sorts of things, workshops and programs.. polarity this polarity that, be less masculine, be more masculine, relax in your feminine, surrender, vulnerability this and that..
By now you know the drill.
Everyone’s got their own carefully packaged and marketed solution for why your painting (relationships) aren’t coming out the way you’d like.
If I convince you you’re a poor artist, I can sell you endless courses for you to become a better one.
If I persuade that the paints and technique you’re using are flawed, I can enrol you into trying out mine.
However, how often have you considered that all those efforts (although well intended) are meaningless if the canvas you’re painting on is dirty and full of holes?
I spent over 6 years as a dating and relationship coach for men handing out advice like there was no tomorrow.
I had a robust tool of practices, teachings and methods (Gathered studying from experts in all things biological, yogic, tantric, somatic and psychological related to romance, dating and sex)
I seeked sages and dominatrices advice alike, explored the higher and lower roads and had a plethora of go-to-tools for whatever my clients needed…
Yet I found myself in a sinking ship.
I thought I knew everything a man could know about how to handle a relationship well (from the communication to the finances and sex)
And there I was, in a horrible breakup riddled by mutual toxicity, chaos, deceit, anxiety, insecurities and pain.
Wondering why -if I knew as much as I thought I did- my very own relationship failed miserably?
I won’t go into details but that moment set me off in a deeper spiritual search (and is the main reason I stepped away from dating & relationships coaching)
What I found out was that my canvas was utterly dirty.
The place from which I was trying to love was not fertile ground for it.
I had a lot of beautiful seeds, lessons, insights and goals yet I was throwing them on eroded lands..
And I doubt I’m the only one who’s done that.
Because until our canvas is clean, how do you know what needs adjustment?
If you are driving and the windshield is full of mud, the smartest choice is to stop.
But every other coach will tell you to push the pedal past the metal and turn in all kinds of directions, only to have you crash and blame it on you for not having been responsible and having tried hard enough.
(this above sums up the self-help industry)
I think I’ve made my point.
In order to connect with another person and for that connection to blossom into a graceful, beautiful and exciting relationship the first step is to slow down, stop and clean up our canvas.
Anything else is but a construction built on weak/rusty foundations: It is bound to collapse.
So.. how do we go about this process?
How do we understand what the ‘canvas’ is comprised of..
How do we know it’s clean enough?
What do we do with the deeply rooted stains?
How long does this process take?
And what can we do about it?
(to be continued )