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COMMITMENT: WHY MEN HESITATE

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Women, I know it can be frustrating when you’re pouring your heart into a relationship without any tangible ground to stand on.

Mixed signals, fluctuating emotions and desires paired with past fears all collide into a cocktail of anxiety, worry and the desire to KNOW what his intentions are.

“So what are we?… Where is this going?”

I’ve been on the receiving end of that question dozens of times and I dread it.

Here’s why:

First, you must understand that the reason Men take their time when it comes to commitment is NOT the same reason boys do so.

A boy DOES NOT want to commit.

He wants you to believe that the possibility exists although deep inside he’s already made up his mind.

Just that if he were to be honest, the games would end and he wouldn’t have his cake and eat it too.

Most of what women refer to as “Men with commitment issues.” are actually boys who are just uninterested in pursuing anything serious.

Is not that he has problems committing, he just is not ready.

Not with you at least.

A bit harsh but important that you give up the delusion of waiting for someone to change or even worse, trying to change somebody (and force commitment.)

No judgement there.

This is a stage that every man has to go through: A phase of exploration and understanding of who he is, what he likes and doesn’t like, what his purpose is, among many other essential questions.

Questions that for the masculine take priority over any and all relationships.

But in all truth, when you meet someone in this stage chances are that you’re both a stepping stone to each others’ growth (yet rarely partners for life.)

Now, the reason a Man takes his time to commit is that he is in a stage of life in which he’s consciously weighing the impact that this commitment would have in every other area.

He’s no longer rushing to appease compulsions and juvenile impulses to blindly promise love to whoever catches his eye.

He’s worked hard to understand what is important and meaningful to him – and is probably already building and grounding the vision of his own personal kingdom.

When he thinks about commitment he does NOT only think of a love story.

He assesses how well your life missions fit..

How aligned your spiritual journeys are..

How much elegance and art is brought into the way conflicts are navigated..

How much chemistry there is..

How finances will be impacted,

among many other.

In essence, he’s not thinking about “just another lay” or “just another girlfriend” because he’s already developed the capacity to commit powerfully to that which is important to him – and his life is a testament to that.

And he knows that his next commitment will most likely be his last one.

So it is because he honours commitment as sacred (and not because he’s scared) that he takes his time.

AND THIS SERVES YOU.

For you know that when the moment comes for him to claim you, the decision will have come from a place of full-bodied integrity.

Like a passionate chess player that confidently takes a bold move – having weighted the potential impact of all the alternatives and having realized that although risky – this is what best serves everyone involved.

His commitment serves him, it serves you, it serves the dance of love and romance and God herself.

So remember:

Men do not fear commitment, they fear entrapment.

They know that the cost of a failed relationship (especially a marriage) is too high to bear – so a little time is in order to ensure that they’re ready to dive deep again.

So women:

When you start forcing / rushing the “commitment talk” with a guy one of two things will happen:

1- If you’re dating a boy, you will get some vague romanticized hopeful answer and end up frustrated and entangled with the leftovers of someone who is just not that interested (or ready) to explore something more serious with you.

2- If you’re dating a Man, you will trigger his caution and possibly turn him off for you’re robbing him of the possibility to freely claim you and take the leadership on that front by starting/rushing the conversation.

“So Nico, should I just shut up and silently age and wait until he decides to do something about it? “

No.

But be mindful about how you bring it up.

NEVER go into it with the “So what are we?” tone

NEVER go into it with expectations, pressures, threats or ultimatums.

Because even if they work, your relationship will have started out of obligation and not love.

Wouldn’t you want it to be HIS idea and HIS choice and desire to boldly make the move?

Instead of rushing or forcing it, I invite you to consider the alternative to keep your options open..

To give yourself room to date and connect with different awesome men and not to jump into intimacy until you’re clear on where they’re at and what their intentions are.

How to know their intentions?

when a MAN wants you – you’ll know it.

When a MAN wants you – there’s no ambiguity in where you stand.

He makes it clear through his ACTIONS.

And know this:

When a Man commits – nothing will stand in his path for him to make it work.

How long it takes him to commit, however, will depend on where he’s at in his personal journey and where you’re at in your own.

Your job therefore is never to force or rush, but to choose well.

And once you’ve chosen well, to be patient for the flowers of deeper commitment to bloom in his heart.

Here lies the key to a beautiful romance where you feel adored and claimed.

Trust.

Men want to commit as much as you do,

We just tend to take our time to understand so.

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Nicolas Canon
Nico Canon is an artist, writer and dating coach. His art and writing are about reclaiming our right to be seduced by our lives and relationships. Through his work he explores the links between people and their deepest and rawest desires, opening up a bridge of self-expression and acceptance.

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