1- You decide to wear the pants and become his mother
2- You decide to call him out and become the villain
1- You mother a man when you start pushing him to be proactive about the relationship, to grow spiritually and do his inner work, to quit his addictions, to learn to communicate better and even to organize dates, be supportive with the house duties and so on..
If it’s you trying to find a way for the relationship to thrive, congratulations!
You are his parent, not his partner.
The problem with this is that he will experience you as controlling, nagging, complaining, annoying and put it on you.
Your “forcing” and attempts at leading become the issue.
Which leaves your well-intended efforts feeling misunderstood and creates an extra layer of conflict to sort through.
Most men have not worked through their mother’s wounding, so any strong words coming from a woman are often met with anger (which is in these cases an expression of shame:
Not feeling good enough for you so instead of rising above his limitations he puts you down to equal the playing field.)
CALLING HIM OUT:
2- When you decide you’re done stepping in for him, because you hate playing the masculine role in your relationship, calling him out is what most women resort to.
The problem is that you confuse speaking your truth with ranting and venting your unmet needs.
Here’s a secret:
You will NEVER inspire a man to show up for you by communicating in ways that evoke shame or leave him feeling emasculated.
And the tricky thing with this is that what matters more than your good intentions is the impact your words have on him, so the more reactive the ‘man’ you are dating, the more you’ll find yourself walking on eggshells.
“Oh but Nico! why do I have to cater to his fragile ego?”
Because he’s the guy you chose to date.
You could’ve chosen a Man that leads and doesn’t leave you feeling drained as a woman..
There’s deep trauma patterns for you in that dynamic but we’ll leave that for another post.
When a woman calls a man out she is being the one trying to solve the relationship for both, trying to lead both into more passion, more harmony and growth.
Even if you manage for him to do what you wanted him to do, it will happen out of of obligation and not inspiration.
Congratulations once again!
You’ve got a puppy for a partner that obeys to your commands.
And while this may initially feel like progress in the relationship, you’ll lose attraction and respect for him – for you know deep in your gut that a Man does not need to be herded or dragged around for him to step up for his woman and his people.
So here’s my two cents:
1- You could save yourself all these troubles by dating a Man who loves to lead.
2- If you’re already in a relationship, know that you have an immense power to inspire your man to rise above your wildest dreams:
Your heart and feminine energy.
How to access that, that’s where the work lies