Back in high-school I was bullied a few times..
(and it was on me..)
For every emotion you avoid feeling you will find yourself in the company of someone readily available to dump that very same emotion on you.
I’d come back from the break only to find my pencil case full of bugs (which at the time I had a phobia
of) or to find Dragon Ball Z Drawings I’d spent hours working on ripped to shreds by some other kid out of spite.
I never did anything.
I remained quiet..
I did not have the balls.
It’s funny how your parents tell you “You need to say No! if someone is doing something you dislike”
Unless that someone is them.
I grew up with home violence which was pretty common in Colombia.
I’d hear my cousins’ stories about being beaten up with a horse-training rod or an iron’s wire and feel happy that my parents loved me so much they’d only beat me up with a belt, hand or a slipper.
Crazy isn’t it?
I grew up with repressed anger.
You were not allowed to talk back to your parents, to raise your voice nor to question their choices.
No matter what.
I hated it.
Yet it took a long time before I had enough rage (and puberty hormones) within me to actually rebel and take a solid stand for what I believed without fearing the consequences.
Before that happened, I kept being bullied at school.
In subtle ways.. and painful ones at times.
I was forced to be a good boy and to not show any sign of anger at home, so the vaccum within me made me the perfect target for some other kid wanting to give his own anger a voice.
This is the same reason why you find the “codependent empath” often paired with a narcissist..
The lack of love for the self creates a vaccum in which another person dumps their imposition and forceful demands for love.
Repression & suppression will always create a vaccum that demands for integration.
If we aren’t willing to feel it within us, life will ensure we feel it outside of us.
Dr. Gabor Mate, a world-reknown trauma and addiction specialist speaks about this in the context of abuse.
Predators can instinctively smell the scent of those who feel themselves as prey.
For example, the narrative of “I’m alone, I cannot trust anyone, nobody cares about me, my parents are not on my side” carries with it a specific embodiment.
There’s a way in which that person will breathe, walk, move and carry themselves.
Just like a scared dog walks with its tail between its legs, there are nuanced ways in which we openly carry all the emotions we have yet to reconcile.
(And before the keyboard white knights jump in to bash this post based on minor details, please know that I’m not justifying, excusing nor condoning any sort of abuse. I’m explaining the energetic patterns behind it. That’s it! )
Back in school I carried myself as someone disempowered and afraid of my own anger (as I was of my parents’) and tried to cope through people pleasing and being good and likeable so that the chances of being in danger would -hopefully- be close to zero.
Turns out that I was cultivating the exact opposite.
As a fun fact over 10 years later at a highschool reunion I ran into one of the guys who used to tease me.
I didn’t care anymore nor I carried any resentments..
Yet I had gone from being a pushover nerd to being a 200pound bulked up, 6’2 tattooed dude.
When I moved to Canada I got into fights for years when I was in College.
Random drunk guys would bump against me with their shoulder on night clubs consistently..
Again, I had the scent of fear.
smelt like repressed anger.
So I drew it towards me…
Until I had enough and I signed up for MMA trainings in Montreal and did some cage fighting..
But that story is for another post.
The guy from high school walked up to me -looking a bit nervous in his eyes- and pulled me aside to apologize.
“I’m sorry man.. we were kids!”
I smiled, told him it was all good, gestured cheers with my beer and went on with my night.
How could I resent him for acting out something that I had created to begin with?
If it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else.
If it wasn’t me, he would have found some other kid.
Energies and emotions are just seeking to find expression..
To move from high pressure to low pressure..
From excesses to vaccums.
And we can kick and scream, complain, judge, blame and criticize all we want..
yet the fastest way to end any sort of abuse is by ending victimhood.
And that can only happen through personal responsibility, empowerment and the desire to have a radical, often unpleasant, look at our life and the way in which we’ve created our circumstances.
We gotta stop complaining about the mold and take care of the lack of air and excess humidity, otherwise we’ll waste our life trying to manage the symptoms of a dysfunction we’re too afraid to uproot from its core.
A person who represses their anger becomes a target for aggression..
A person who represses their self-love becomes a target for objectification..
And a person who avoids feeling their heart,
is inviting the universe to poke it awake.
But such is the Tao of life.