You need to work on yourself!

Why are you making such a big deal?

Deflection, attacking and defensiveness.

Relationships that have phrases like these thrown around consistently last 5.6 years on average

Let’s examine these examples:

“Are you on your period?”

This invalidates a woman’s emotions.

It implies that her reaction is not reasonable and that it must be a mistake that she’s acting up.

The problem with this is that it moves the focus of the conversation from the issue at hand to her and her emotions becoming now the problem that needs fixing.

A healthy masculine man will listen and make room for whatever is present in his beloved’s heart.

Yes, perhaps she’s in a day of her cycle where her hormones have made her more sensitive.

If that’s the case, she needs greater compassion, not greater dismissiveness or judgement from your end.

2- You need to work on yourself!

We all do.

Yet nobody likes to be told this.

Because what you’re saying is essentially “I don’t accept you as you are.” “I cannot love you as you are.”

“You need to be someone different for me to remain in this relationship.”

Reminder: Your role is not to nag or coach your partner into growing and becoming good partners.

Your job is to love, and if you can’t do that, to exit gracefully.

If you can’t, it is you who needs to work on yourself and your codependency and low standards.

3- Why are you making such a big deal?

Translation:

Let me minimize your feelings so I don’t feel my own shame.

Let me manipulate you into thinking you’re being too much instead of taking responsibility for the ways in which I have contributed to pushing you over the edge.

I fail to see how this is important to you, so I project my lack of care and reduce the concern you brought up to a petty thing unworthy of attention and resolution.

Communication goes a long way to ensuring your partner feels heard, understood and seen.

Always assure that -even if you don’t agree with what they share- you offer a safe space for them to bring their truth to the table.

Otherwise, a day will come when they won’t.

And without trust,

your days are counted.