Yet loneliness doesn’t just lurk one day, unexpectedly, from a dark corner. It is an unconscious seed that is watered daily.
Isolation happens when you stop feeling seen, heard and cared for and your partner’s actions no longer feel inclusive of you.
Now the problem with this is that when you feel your partner is to blame for the dysfunction (“only if they were different, it would all be different!”) you give up your power to transform the situation.
You cannot change something you don’t fully own.
Try planting a garden on your neighbour’s property and see for yourself.
If you don’t own it, it ain’t yours:
You can’t do anything with it!
The same goes for relational dysfunction.
Unless you OWN it fully, you are bound to suffer slowly until things end.
“But Nico, how can I own something when it’s clear that he/she is the problem!?”
It starts with that.
It is NEVER a HE or SHE problem.
It’s always an US opportunity.
If you want to feel included by your partner, start by modelling that inclusion for them.
If you want them to be accountable for what is co-created, lead by example, not by complain.
There’s not a single relationship -in the history of humanity- that became more beautiful because someone nagged, blamed and shamed their partner into being better partners.
You cannot argue, complain or force your way into a better relationship.
If pointing fingers positively transformed people the world would be full of enlightened beings..
Health dialogue, vulnerability and truth are what’s required.
There’s a role you are playing when your relationship is starting to drown into chaos…
And the less you feel you’ve contributed to it, the more your partner is probably feeling exactly as you do: Alone in the relationship.
And I get it..
personal responsibility is not fancy!
It sucks to entertain the possibility that you are the problem..
It hurts to “have to be the one to go first.”
You grieve “having to be the bigger person.”
Until you don’t.
Until you see one day that these moments are a beautiful gift where you get to practice and express your capacity to love fully, in the face of difficulty.
To listen first, when you feel misunderstood and not heard..
To embrace another’s pain first, when you are suffering yourself..
To lead through love, compassion and clarity..
Instead of fear, anger and confusion.
But most people won’t, out of pride.
You cannot say you want conscious, healthy, inspiring relationships.. and then through your actions show you’d rather be righteous than in love..
And I’m not speaking of blind, doormatting, people pleasing behaviour.
I’m speaking of courage and the heart it takes to meet closure and disconnection with openness and love.
Here’s a practice:
See if you can give that which you most desire to receive, in moments of pain and conflict.
It will take everything you have and then a little more, for those will be the moments where ‘they don’t deserve’ your love..
Yet those also happen to be the moments where they need it most.