🌷The 3 Most Difficult Lessons I’ve Learned 2 years into my marriage:(Part 2)
You can’t nag or punish your partner into being a better partner.
In other words:
Your love will do FAR MORE to transform them than your criticism, complaints or passive aggression ever will.
This one was rough for me.
I had a tendency to confuse emotional unavailability for ‘high standards’.
I became extremely good at scanning for, finding and pointing out all of my partner’s flaws.
Back in my late 20’s I had a huge crush on this woman..
She was extremely attractive (and beautiful inside out.)
And I was in heaven when I found out she also had a crush on me.
She was hot, sweet, caring and generous with her heart.
But… I decided not to continue dating her because her hand’s size to height proportion felt off.
We’ll find a thousand excuses not to date someone before admitting that we’re actually afraid of love.
I’d lie to myself saying I was waiting for “the right one.”
Several extremely right and beautiful women showed up at my door- and they were never good enough.
Not fit enough. Not spiritual enough. Not sweet enough..
Easier to point a finger and think they’re the ones not up to our criteria than to realize that the criteria itself is nothing but a shield.
So when I started dating my wife the same pattern came up.
I was set on changing her because she wasn’t “good enough.”
It was tense and ugly..
Until the frustration forced me to ask myself:
If NOTHING ever changed in her would I be okay with that? would I be capable of loving her?”
The answer was Yes.
Her virtues and my love for her were bigger than the perceived flaws.
Turns out that the moment I stopped breathing on her neck, hoping or forcing that she became someone or did something I thought she should..
She had room to actually find AND BE herself.
On her own terms, at her own pace.
The moment I started loving her and appreciating all the beauty she brought to my life was the moment that that beauty multiplied a hundred fold..
And this love became the very fuel that would inspire and nourish her to transform her health, mind and even her finances.
And it transformed me too.
I understood that you can’t make a flower bloom by shouting at it..
Nor by demanding it grows and becoming bitter when it doesn’t.
A flower blooms when her time has come..
The same goes for every human.