These are 4 of the biggest lies social media may have sold you when it comes to romantic relationships.
#1:”If it’s not a F*CK YES! its a HELL NO.”
Although the quote above attempts to inspire clarity and higher standards, it often creates lots of confusion because no relationship is 100% perfect, nor it is 100% horrible.
LIFE IS NOT BLACK OR WHITE, and in the grey zones lie most of the relational challenges.
There will ALWAYS be parts of yourself, your partner and the world that you’re a F-YES to, and many others that you’re not so fond of..
Your NO can be a healthy filter, but it can also become the wall behind which you hide your fear of being vulnerable.
So the art is in learning to discern what difficult parts of others we meet with love and compassion and which other we meet with distance and strongly held boundaries.
All relationships come with a fair degree of challenges.
However, do not let this be the reason you constantly run away from them..
Nor the reason you constantly cling to toxicity, hiding trauma, attachments and codependency under the banner of “hope and commitment”.
Relationships are far more nuanced than a yes/no, dualistic approach.
Stop basing yours on cliché quotes.
#2: “Avoid trauma bonding at all costs.”
All trauma in essence points towards painful experiences of separation. Human birth being our very first one. (We become physically separated from our mother for the very first time) Violence, abuse, abandonment, betrayal and many other human experiences further add to this cocktail as time goes by and a lot of your personality is created around running away from what has caused you pain and moving towards what has brought you pleasure, comfort and connection. Trauma is therefore a big part of the curriculum of being human – it is the plot twists and challenges that (literally) develop the character.
So to avoid trauma bonding is unrealistic for a lot of what you love (and despise) in others can be directly rooted to previous experiences you had.
In Hindu traditions they speak of karma, vasanas, runanubhanda and many other ingrained patterns of the human mind and the body and energy system.. and they highlight that without any karma, a human being cannot keep the body for much longer (for they will have completed their journey and will return to ONENESS / GOD / SOURCE as they have trascended all separation)
So it is this karma which adds density and heaviness (as well as a goal and a path) to the soul that is seeking to know itself experientially, and therefore allows it to hold on to the body..
In other words, if you want trauma free bonding you must date an enlightened being..
And you must have reached enlightenment yourself. But by then, I doubt you’ll have a special affinity for “one lover” as the whole universe will have become your beloved. In the meantime trying to avoid “Trauma Bonding” is a guaranteed recipe for judgement and unrealistic expectations.
Instead, choose partners who are actively taking responsibility and working on their own stuff at a similar pace as yours.
That’s the closest to “Perfect” it gets.
#3: “EVERY PROBLEM IN RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE TRACED TO A MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGy IMBALANCE.”
To those with a hammer in their hand every problem looks like a nail.
Polarity teachings can be of great value, but they’re merely ONE LAYER of your romantic relationships.
So be mindful of taking everything an online teacher shares at face value, for they all have their own agenda, blind spots and limited awareness (including me).
A conscious relationship goes beyond a dance of a leader and a follower.
Polarity teachings can reignite sexual sparks and re-establish respect and order inside of a couple..
However, for a relationship to work you need more than a super-alpha dominant male or a hyper-feminized and surrender-thirsty female.
The problem is that when nothing outside of this dance is explored (shared visions, devotion, values and spiritual alignment) you are bound to create an addictive cocktail of a “love-story” with someone with whom you’re inherently misaligned.
And VERY often, this is a recipe for horrendous disasters.
For you will have wired your nervous system, body and bonding/pleasure centers to become constantly stimulated (or regulated) by another.. so the moment you’re back on your own you’ll go through withdrawals and call it love.
#4: “IF YOU DO ENOUGH INNER WORK, THE OUTSIDE WILL SORT ITSELF OUT.”
You can visualize the ice-cream you want.
You can do shadow work about your rejection of sweetness and ice-cream worthiness.
You can meditate on seeing yourself eating the exact flavour you want and if you’re good, even have your mouth water in response…
YET IF YOU WANT ICE CREAM,
You still have to get your ass off the couch..
Grab some money..
Walk some blocks
And then eat it.
Part of doing the “inner” work is losing the fear and apprehension about doing the “outer” work.
Sorting out the nonsense within you, the pain of your past and all your history is essential…
Yet you must take aligned action.
You can meditate all that you want but if you shy away from all social situations, lack hobbies and interests, communicate poorly, have poor hygiene and take poor little care of yourself..
Mr. / Mrs. Right won’t ever show up. Clear up the garbage but don’t forget that life is not merely about that. You gotta step out of your cocoon of transformation and work and into the arena of life.
That’s where you’ll test your mettle.
Some practical suggestions for taking aligned action are:
-To examine and actively change your social circle.
-To stop partying and hoping to meet serious love at nightclubs and bars.
-To finally end and let go of inconsistent and mediocre love stories.
-To smile more often, walk in nature, attend classes of things that light you up.
-To invest in a coach/mentor and commit to showing up for yourself for more than a few days or weeks.
-To own the way you communicate, apologize when necessary and decide to always tell the truth.
-To commit to living with an open heart, especially when it hurts.
Doing the inner work is a must but it is in the implementation that tangible results are created..
It is also in relationship to someone else that you’ll get to see how much you’ve really outgrown your fears and patterns.. (or not!)
And remember: An act of courage is life’s greatest prayer.
There are many more lies that are often shared online, however I invite you to discern and ensure that the teachers you follow:
-Are not oversimplifying relationships or leaving you with well-sounding one-liners that leave you more confused.
-Are not painting unrealistic ideals of what bonding should be like and glamourizing idealized, trauma and conflict free relationships. (Again, there’s healthy and toxic tension inside of every love story – discernment is key. Sometimes you should stay and work on your triggers, sometimes you should go and draw a line).
-Are not pushing their own agenda and filtering everything through their preferred lens.
-Are not glorifying spiritual concepts at the expense of providing relevant, actualized and effective guidance that you can implement. Thank you for reading this far!