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You’re their partner, not their parent !

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Stop crossing that line!

Also- although you may have the best intentions for them- when someone feels they’re being fixed they NEVER think:
“Oh thank you! that’s a great idea! I never thought about that. All our problems are solved, I was wrong all along. If only I change myself you will feel better and it will all be perfect!..”
Now, let me tell you what they actually experience:
“I’m not good enough as I am.”
“There’s something wrong with me..”
“You think you’re too good eh?”
“You think you’re right?”
“Of course it’s always me.. I’m sick of this..”
“What about YOU!”
“Oh you’re too smart of course..”
In essence it triggers:
A sense of blame.
Shame.
Defensiveness.
Excuses.
Avoidance / Disconnection
and attacks, if all else fails.

The simple communication shift that had even a “closed-hearted, self-serving and uncaring” Russian man open up to fully listen, repair and want to heal the relationship with his woman.

My wife has an old friend from Russia whom you could say has a track record for making poor choices in the men she chooses.

She’s lived with drunks, narcissistic and unempathethic guys.

Dudes who literally belittled her with their words, were unfaithful and never slowed down to take ownership for what had happened.

Guys who’d defend themselves or push back and call her dramatic and “too much” (all for wanting to draw a boundary or bring up something that was important yet created a sense of confrontation.)

Anyway, this woman sent a voice note to my wife asking for relationship advice because all hell had broken loose in her current relationship.

I had recently shared with my wife about the exact steps I’m planning to teach in my upcoming course “The Language of Men” (she knew them implicitly through the way we communicate, but this time I had laid them out in order.)

My wife replied with brief suggestions, practical tips and ways she could evoke a kinder, more compassionate and loving part from her “Ogre of a partner.”

A day later she received another voice note stating that upon implementing the few suggestions, they’ve actually had the most heart to heart, vulnerable and repairing conversations of their whole relationship..

(And knowing her, perhaps of her whole life in relationship with men.)

Now, this is a woman who runs multiple businesses, owns real estate and gets sh!t done.

She’d been in therapy and trying out all kinds of different healing practices and tools, implementing all sorts of relational advice she came across online and investing money in trying to get herself (and her love life) figured out.

From anti-depressants and sleeping pills, to plant medicine, breathwork, psychologists and different therapists and coaches.

Yet NOTHING had worked.

Not until yesterday..

So what *ACTUALLY* works?

If trying to fix your partner doesn’t work..
If merely doing therapy doesn’t work..
If being bold about what you want and don’t want doesn’t work..

If avoiding speaking up to ‘keep the peace’ doesn’t work..
If just being “more in your feminine” doesn’t work..
If taking responsibility for everything you feel does not work..

What does?

I’ll distill what my wife shared with her friend in an ‘educational’ way so that you get it fully.

There are 3 essential conditions for a moment of True Repair to happen..

A moment of True Repair is a relational space that serves as a vacuum where BOTH partners cannot avoid stepping into their vulnerable truth about what is *actually* going on for them.

It’s a heart-opening, sword-lowering, vulnerable-inducing space.

Most couples have touched (at least once) this place where all tension and friction is diffused into one mutual release..

Often followed by tears, hugs and a deep recognition of one another..

It’s in these moments that you feel something was healed, released or integrated.

It’s in these moments that you feel truly seen, understood and acknowledged..

Only here your body relaxes and your emotions come to a place of rest and ease..

However, this space is highly elusive and most people don’t really know what it takes to come back to it whenever it’s needed.

So it’s a random happening, at best!

Back to the 3 conditions for this to happen, let’s explore the 1st one:

SAFETY.

The reason that your polarity teachings don’t work when you’re having a difficult argument is that when you or your partner are triggered, the wound that is touched is rarely (basically never) an adult wound.

It’s a childhood one.

And guess who doesn’t give a damn about polarity?

Young children 🙂

(Not when they’re crying and feel hurt, at least.)

They also don’t care for therapy, good ideas, suggestions or spiritual concepts..

They are disregulated and above all, they NEED to feel safe first.

You cannot rationalize or strategize with a crying child.

The more you try the worse it will get…

Because his cries are not for your fixing,
they are for your connection.

And the more you are thinking about what is happening and how to change it (them), the less connected you are to them and what is really going in.

Please understand that in moments of high-tension, the part that comes out to play from both you and your partner is often the very little, fearsome and safety-deprived (and aching) one.

So, before any words come out of your mouth about solving things, thinking of solutions, understanding, ensuring it doesn’t happen again, or even drawing boundaries…

You must extend a feeling of safety to the other.

Because when we’re in fight or flight our capacity for listening, being present, self-regulation and conflict resolution is basically ZERO.

So it’s our job to ensure that we create a space where our “children” can soften up.

Now, the ‘children’ MUST eventually be allowed to express and speak what they’re feeling – that’s largely where the healing and breaking of the pattern happens.

But before that, there must be two present adults moderating the conversation.

So in practice it looks like this:

1- Ask yourself whether you are dealing with the adult or the child version of your partner (and/or yourself.)
2- Decide (internally) that a space of safety is needed before the conversation can evolve in a positive direction, and that you’ll be the one to offer it first. (this takes A LOT of generosity.)
3- Create a space of safety.

My wife’s message to her girlfriend was about creating a space of safety.

She suggested to her the following:

– To stop interrupting him (someone who doesn’t feel heard won’t EVER want to listen.)
– To practice being curious exactly in the areas she felt the most judgement about. (when we judge we are righteous about our perspective and closed off to try and understand theirs.)
– To share with him they would take turns. (In every relationship there’s enough space for everyone’s pain, but NEVER at the same time.)

And to add her own version of the following sentence:

“Hey love, I just want to slow down and pause for a moment..

I see that you are feeling very intense emotions and so am I..

I feel like I am failing at communicating what I want to without attacking you or making you feel worse. I’m so sorry.

If I knew how to communicate better I would, and I also see that this is difficult for us two and I don’t really know what to do..

I want to understand you and this is painful, hard and confusing.

But I’d love for us to slow down and sit to explore what is happening and see if we can see things better together…”

I refer to this as “Naming the elephant in the room”.

To point to what is *Actually* happening:

– The difficult problem and tense argument..

– The parts of us that feel scared, lost, confused and worried, wanting to run away or hurt the other..

– And the parts of us that want to cooperate, have love and trust that we can get through it TOGETHER. (not by imposing our ideas)

These suggestions alone can (and have) saved failing marriages and prevented painful breakups.

My wife’s girlfriend shared with her:

“We went from sitting next to each other in an awkward silence, not knowing how to begin the conversation or what to do to solve the tension.. Feeling lost and not really understanding wha was going on..

To for the first time being able to truly connect, reach an agreement and look eye-to-eye with each other, having an honest conversation..

I feel a lot of clarity, understanding about what’s going on between us and what I can do about it..”

She even suggested that my wife becomes a relationship coach 😂

So I’m sharing the golden nuggets with you before she gets me out of business.
🙏🏽
Hope you found these useful!