An ongoing obsession with the way you look (your clothes, your make up, your weight).
The work that you do and how you are perceived in social media (carefully polishing every post and picture) is often a distraction from paying attention to a much deeper element within you.
Yes, you may have been conditioned by society to have to look a certain way, to derive your worth based on arbitrary definitions of beauty and maybe even to aim to “be a good girl” or “wife material” so you can get a good partner and so on…
I get it. The conditioning, however, runs a lot deeper than that:
It programmed you to internalize that “Only if I look and behave in a specific way and meet certain externally assigned standards, I’m worthy of receiving love“.
And it set you off on a misleading path towards chasing (outside of you) the ONE THING that can only be found from within: Love (And love encompasses Acceptance, Approval and Appreciation)
In simpler words:
Despite having an overflowing oasis within you, you were told that the only way to quench your thirst would be to change yourself and put on a show in the hopes that someone else (perhaps a man?) would come and share a bit of his water.
Do you see the issue here? I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that. And I’m not saying that taking care of your body, your health, how you look and your image are bad things. Not at all!
But I invite you to evaluate where the motivation is coming from… Is it an expression of your feminine energy? (and therefore it feels freeing and light). Or is it an oppression of your conditioning? (and you feel like you have to do it otherwise you’ll be looked down at, ridiculed and dismissed or valued less as a woman) a want-to vs a have-to.
My experience over the years has been that most women fall in the second category. Again, no judgement, I probably would be in that second group too – had I been raised as a woman and exposed to the same narratives and societal pressures.
However, l invite you to explore how much of your power, agency and self-love have you given away?
How much of how you feel is derived from external sources of approval, validation and appreciation? And if it is a conscious, sacred relationship that you want to attract, obsessing about your nails, lips and hair will do as much for you as a person redecorating a burning house:
It looks good and it feels good, but it is not what is really needed.
So… what is REALLY needed? Well, I’ll speak for myself and the hundreds of men I’ve had the fortune of working with. A beautiful figure and a nice dress will catch our attention, but it is the essence of who you are (and your expression of your feminine energy) what captivates the heart of a truly masculine man.
I tried dating supermodels, porn stars and celebrities for years… And besides the initial hormonal triggers and dopamine rush, none of these women fully inspired me to want to commit and devote myself to something serious.
They were hot and attractive, but they were disconnected from their beauty. (and so was I from my ability to witness it, therefore we were a perfect match for each other)
So after some dates I moved on… And over the years it was only those women who were not playing that game, the ones that fully captivated my heart.
It was the ones whose sense of validation, joy and radiance was not derived from how much makeup they had on or how others perceived them… It was those women who were a full expression of who they were, whose femininity overflowed not as a tool to please, but as an inevitable consequence of their very own nature.
The women who I couldn’t grab my head around about why I liked them so much.
Those women that had me wanting to be a better man, thinking about commitment in an inspiring way, wondering about kids and marriage. (after having a phase where I thought only open agreements would work for me)
And the men I’ve worked with would concur.
A woman connected to her own power and femininity has the ability to inspire the men around her to show up in better ways (without her even trying).
So what is it about these women? Well, they learned to fill their own cups first. They learned to love themselves (which is essential for them to be able to love men) They stopped treating their body as a tool to control and manipulate outcomes.
They stopped abusing their body out of their insecurities, and started seeing it as a sacred place – and treating it as such. No longer something to be used (just because society taught it that way) But something to be revered, loved, accepted and celebrated.
Which in turn made it impossible for us men not to do the same. The ugly truth is that if you objectify yourself, if you use your mind, heart and body as the means to an end (feel loved) do not be surprised if the partners you attract match that (i.e. men who are using you as a means to an end, whether that’s sex, validation or company).
The moment you reclaim your power as a woman and stop outsourcing your ability to feel loved is the moment that whether you brushed your hair or not, did your nails or not, wore heels or not – the fragrance of your very essence will be felt everywhere you go.
This is the key difference between girls who get constantly disappointed in relationships and women who naturally attract and connect with high-value men.
The difference between hotness and radiance (beauty!):
Hotness is temporary, assigned externally and hormone dependant.
Beauty is transcendental, timeless and of the soul.
So if a soul companion is what you’re seeking, Ask yourself whether you’re spending as much time tending to your inner oasis and cultivating beauty, as you are tending to your body and trying to look “hot“.
And above all, remember that the most beautiful trait you can cultivate is that of the peace of mind, joy and deep love…
The kind of deep love you feel for yourself the moment you give up playing someone else’s game and start tending to what is truly important and essential for you.
It is in that moment that you will realize that your cup is already full, that you don’t need someone else’s approval, attention or even companionship to feel good…
And to realize that you are already perfect and worthy of love as you are. And there’s nothing more attractive than that!
I love you.♥