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Not feeling seen is the root cause of all heartbreak and relational pain.

September 21, 2023


When you do not feel seen by your partner a big part of the pain you feel is in regards to your own narratives around it:

-I’m not good enough

-I’m not worthy of love

-I must have done something wrong

Which is often followed by a corresponding trauma response:

-I must please them and earn back their attention and love

-I must distance myself so I don’t feel shame, heart-ache or discomfort

-I must create a reason for them to pay attention (drama, nagging, passive aggression, cheating and so on)

These happen mostly unconsciously and lead to endless trouble and cycles of pain and disconnection.

However, another big part of the pain you feel when you’re not seen by your partner is because of FEAR.

That feeling / sensation in your body when you know the other is not present to you, often creates a fear response..

Just the same way your body would react if you were the copilot in a car and the driver suddenly decided to close their eyes while driving in the middle of a highway…

Fear, anxiety, panic and reactions ensue.

When another person is not present it means they are disconnected (from the moment, from us and most likely from themselves)

And disconnection is the root of all transgressions, use and abuse.

It is in disconnection and ignorance (unconsciously ignoring life) where bitterness sprouts and consumes everything it touches.

So not feeling seen is -sometimes- an indicator of danger.

Your partner has fallen asleep at the wheel and they’re bound to crash..

Their disconnection means they won’t be attuned to your heart, your needs, safety and tender openness and therefore it is a matter of time until they act in a way that feels as a transgression.

So, in relationships always remember that what you feel is your responsibility.

The way you feel and your emotions are your choice.

(one that sometimes may be hard to exercise)

However, they often come to tell a message.

So always listen to it!

If your partner is blinded by their own pain, it won’t take long until it sips into the relationship and all the things they’re not able or willing to move through, they will lean on you.

Disconnection breeds pain and chaos,

Presence breed love.

Nicolas Canon
Nico Canon is an artist, writer and dating coach. His art and writing are about reclaiming our right to be seduced by our lives and relationships. Through his work he explores the links between people and their deepest and rawest desires, opening up a bridge of self-expression and acceptance.

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