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“Nico, how do I communicate to my man without stepping in for him, mothering him, nor ignoring an issue that is important for me to see tangible changes around..?”

December 6, 2023

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This is the 2nd most asked question I receive in my DM’s, so let’s explore it shall we?

First of all, there are a couple of frames that MUST be present if you intend to build a healthy, conscious relationship with a man.

1- You must respect his free will and free choice and understand that love is not coercing someone to do what you’d like but allowing someone to do what they want to do.

2- You must respect yourself enough to understand that leaving is the only loving option if someone’s choices repeatedly clash against the standards of beauty, commitment and connection that you have for your relationship.

3- Your job is NEVER to fix another. You signed up to be a partner, not a parent. Do not cross someone’s boundaries especially when you have not been asked to do so.

With these in mind, let’s go!

If your communication about what you dislike in a relationship or in your man’s behaviour constantly creates more chaos, frustration, deflection and defensiveness.. congratulations!

You are nagging, not communicating.

The difference is obvious at the level of words,

subtle at the level of voice tone,

and really nuanced (yet felt) at the level of intent.

Words:

Wrong approach:

“You work too much and never make time for us, I’m tired of feeling like you don’t care about me and that work is more important. I don’t want this kind of relationship. Either you do something about this or I’m out!”

or a common, contrasting experience:

“I’m tired of feeling like I have to push you and nag you to communicate with me and understand what you’re feeling, I need you to communicate better with me. I’m done picking up your slack, you need to get your sh!t together and sort out your work/finances/health otherwise I can’t keep going like this!”

(99% of the time a partner advertises they’re about to “be done with it” you can be certain they are not. Drama, ultimatums and threats are signs of co-dependency and attachment. True “being done with it” looks like absence, contempt, distance, silence and indifference.. followed by a seemingly abrupt ending.)

Conscious, healthy communication approach:

“Honey, I love how deeply you take care of us. I love this part of you being a masculine man and having so much discipline in the work that you do… I can imagine how hard that is to sustain at the level you do it. Thank you.

I miss you so much these days at home (playfully makes pretend-sad face) and to be fully honest I’m also a little scared, as I feel some of my old wounds, where I wonder if I may not be attractive anymore.

I know you’re doing the best for our family and I’m here to support you.. I guess all I want to say is thank you, and I miss your presence and our time together so much.”

I’ll let your imagination do the equivalent for the 2nd example above.

Here’s the dissection of the conscious conversation:

– There’s appreciation and understanding/compassion for him. You’ve put yourself in his shoes and are willing to see the world from HIS perspective, and letting him feel seen for the sacrifices he makes (instead of shamed or judged.)

(Hint: If you ever push a masculine man into choosing between his purpose and you, you’ll always end up losing. You want to stand behind what he cares about and ensure you’re seen as a sanctuary of beauty, passion, connection and fun where he refuels himself, a supportive place towards his ‘greater’ mission.

Not a liability, drag, burden or necessary weight he must carry around and begrudgingly attend to out of obligation.)

– Conscious communication with a man is rooted in the assumption that he is a capable man, he is smart enough to make good choices for the family and he is willing and excited to take the lead around important things.

Therefore, there’s no clear request or demand. (I need you to / You must do X, Y , X or else…)

Instead, there’s the opening of your heart and letting him in.

Seeing the impact of his absence on you..

Witnessing the woman he loves grieving his absence.. without blaming him for her grief.

This creates a vacuum of possibility where any man who loves his wife sees a problem he can solve, a mini-story he gets to be the hero of..

Allowing him to step in and step up, come up with solutions of his own and feel the pride of thinking it was his own idea.

(I know this because I dated hundreds of women over the last decade and I rarely budged when a request/demand was placed upon me.. however my wife -when communicating consciously- has found a way to inspire me to do almost anything she wants, feel good about it and think it was my own idea… EVEN THOUGH I taught her myself how to communicate in this way.

It works even if he knows what you’re doing. It’s pure relational magic to be honest.)

– Healthy communication allows him to see that you take full responsibility for your life, emotions and inner state. You are not dumping your unprocessed solitude on him, nor using him to extract a sense of meaning, company and happiness in your life.

It’s very important that he knows that your sadness, loneliness or deep ache is not his to carry on his shoulders.

Otherwise you become another bullet in his list of “unfinished projects I am failing at”.

A man who feels he cannot win with his partner will always end up leaving. (often for someone else with whom his efforts do feel appreciated and celebrated.)

Never in the history of humanity a man has divorced a wife he was consistently successful at making happy.

Men don’t ever leave happy women.

Think about that.

– Finally, you own your desire without shame nor projection.

You acknowledge that the pain you feel is not because he’s working too much but because you’re feeling too little.

It’s not that he’s a bad man, is that you feel insecure.

It’s not that you dislike that he is disciplined, is that his absence makes you feel unworthy of love, attention and care.

This one takes guts to face and embrace for most women.

Most can’t discern that the source of their pain, in relationships, always comes down to their feeling of inadequacy…

Yet they go out to try and fix things from the outside.

I feel lonely because I don’t have a career/ social life that I loooove? then I better force more company from him, because with him I don’t have to look at how empty I feel or how much I’ve abandoned my own dreams, hobbies and friends.

That will never work.

You must always own your world.

A masculine man usually has a very sharp intellect.

If he’s attuned he can sense and dissect what’s happening within you before you’ve even gotten clear about what it is that you’re feeling..

If you smell of grief yet come to him with anger, he won’t trust you.

If you smell of insecurity yet come to him with controlling demands, he won’t trust you.

If you smell of loneliness yet you come to him trying to win points and be a good girl so you can fix and secure connection, he will definitely not trust you.

Only truth is welcomed in his heart.

And the truth is never that he’s the reason for your misery.

The truth is that you feel miserable.

If you start communicating from that place, a man that loves you will feel your pain and make it his own.

He will find solutions.

He will lead.

He will love you into wholeness..

Not because you nagged it out of him with your projections, complaints and covert insecurities…

But because you were open and truthful enough to invite him into your feeling world, a world he doesn’t visit too often, and allowed him to bathe in the tenderness of your vulnerability and the trust you must feel towards him to expose yourself like that..

You can either poke..

or evoke.

If he bends over to your bitter demands, both of you lose..

for even if he does what you wanted him to do, you can be certain he did it out of obligation and not love.

You had to crack the whip to get the horse to move, but you know deep inside that there’s just so much you can crack it before the horse goes wild and turns against you.

Masculine men are beasts.

Disciplined ones.

There’s only so much they’ll be willing to give into, through force.

You must inspire his respect.

Evoke his love.

Turn on his desire to be there for you..

And after 1000’s of people I’ve worked with and even more conversations with many others I can tell you one true thing:

No woman in the history of humanity has ever nagged, shamed, blamed, ‘called out’ or complained her husband into being a better man.

Ask yourself why.

👊

PS: If you’re not part of my Free fb group The Sacred Relationships Circle, I invite you to join. There’s plenty of relational gold, as well as first access to the courses and events I hold.

Talk soon!