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Jul 2018: I stopped bullsh!tting myself💥

November 21, 2023


I’d been running away from being with myself my whole life.

Escapism through socially judged addictions (drinking, sex, drugs..)

As well as socially accepted ones (workaholism, exercise, being there for others)

I’d do anything not to have to sit in silence with myself.

“I’ve got too much energy!”
“I can’t sit still!”
“I’m just very passionate and gogogo!”

was some of the bs I sold myself and others to package dysfunction as “normal” and even virtuous.

My wake up call was a mushroom trip “gone wrong” where death would’ve been a more compassionate alternative than the hell I went through.

I came out mentally bruised, depressed and nihilistic.

I’d seen through the veil and my mind almost broke from what it saw.

A big part of my illusion of who I thought I was and what life was about went down the drain in that trip..

I saw the inner hell that I’d cultivated in body and mind.

Aching for an answer or a glimpse of hope a friend invited me to a vision quest he was co-facilitating.

Long story short, I prepared and went to a forest reserve in France to fast in solitude for 4 days and 4 nights.

My biggest shift was that I stopped lying to myself.

I got straight.

I accepted the darkness I’d become
I acknowledged the pain I’d caused
I cried and screamed at the chaos I’d allowed to consume my life..

And as I sobbed, no longer pretending to be Mr. cool party guy, I befriended the parts of me I’d been running away from..

I embraced my confusion
held my grief with kindness
and offered my pain a shoulder to cry on.

I allowed for the child that had been hurting to finally stop trying to keep it all together..

To stop coping and start feeling..

To start Being.

It was painful and hard, I didn’t want to look in the mirror and accept I was responsible for the life I had created..

For the relationships I had destroyed..

& see it was ALL my creation.

I stopped lying to myself about the endless excuses of why I wasn’t where I wanted to be.

And a new seed got planted. 🌱

It’s never too late to trim the weeds and plant something new, but you gotta be straight

No sugar coating
You owe it to yourself.
Stop pretending.