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I was sure I had moved on from my ex when I met my wife…

March 7, 2024

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Until in the middle of a fight I called her by my ex’s name..

Not once.. Not twice.. 😰

Multiple times!

She wasn’t happy.

Neither was I.

There I was, having sat with plant medicines, eating healthy and having done all sorts of retreats and coaching programs thinking that “I’ve done the work, so I’m ready for a conscious relationship.”

But that wasn’t it..

When I called her the wrong name I was just as surprised as she was..

Because that meant that there were wounds, patterns and pain that were hiding all along..

Hibernating..

Waiting for the right moment my heart would warm up to come and feast off chaos once again.

Patterns that I could only see through the magnifying glass of a relationship and the challenges that come with it.

Talk about carrying the past with you!

My first thought was “Oh boy! NONONO.. not again!”

Followed by anxiety and a compulsive desire to break up and “just choose better”

But “choosing better” is an illusion..

A LIE.

Tell a Flie to choose something other than 💩 and it will live a miserable life, wondering there must be something wrong with it..

But a bee is genuinely drawn to flowers..

Not by choice but by nature.

By who they are in their being.

So we always choose and act from the place where we’re at and -whether we like it or not- we get EXACTLY what we deserve.

That’s a hard one to swallow for those unwilling to see the role they play in the nightmares of a relationship they put themselves in..

“F* U! Nico! I don’t/didn’t deserve abuse.”

You did not..

Nobody does.

But you could have walked away after the first situation and didn’t…

Playing victim doesn’t bring you any closer to understanding the WHY behind the patterns you found yourself stuck in..

Take that from someone who’s been in highly toxic, volatile, drama-fuelled and even violent relationships..

More than once I was escorted home in the back of a police car because I’d get into fights and all kinds of nonsense over a girlfriend..

I always believed I “deserved better” yet that thought only landed me back into the same mess.

It was only when I asked myself “How did I contribute to creating the mess I find myself in?” that things started changing.

So when I looked at my wife, mid-argument, having called her the wrong name.. I knew that I had just picked up right where I left.

Exactly where I had left things with my previous partner..

Quite an ugly sight.

I thought I knew better, had done the work and therefore must have chosen better..

But the truth is that -although much had changed- the structures of relating had remained the same.

Some triggers and traumas lie dormant, awaiting for that one moment where we start to open our heart to someone else in order to come up and demand that we resolve and integrate them.

Although every part of me wanted to run away, I stayed.

I stayed because I knew that if I left, I’d probably find myself in the exact same situation with another woman a few years down the road.

So I vowed to stay until I figured it out..

And decided to ask myself the HARD, excruciating questions:

“How is this expression that I dislike so much from my partner, a direct response to something I am doing or who I’m being?”

I hated it because I was certain that SHE was the one that needed to change and mature..

I hated it because I was righteous about “knowing better” and “having done more work” whatever that meant.. 🙄

I hated it because it demanded I took responsibility for the ugliness that I saw coming from someone else..

Which went against everything I believed.

But guess what happened?

I saw that her volatile outbursts of emotion were linked to my constant invalidation and dismissiveness..

I saw that her insecurities around other women were connected to my compulsion around sex and leaky sexual energy.

I saw that her sarcastic, ball-cutting, belittling acts were directly connected to my fear of standing strong, inability to have boundaries (and also refusal to honour another’s)

And guess what happened when I started to get my act straight?

It ALL changed.

I saw that I had way more power and influence over my partner than I had imagined..

If I could bring out my ex’s behaviours out of a completely new and different woman..

that meant I could also bring out the best possible woman out of her..

But not by trying to rescue, coach or fix who she was..

But by bringing forth the best version of whom I was.

The more frustrated we feel in our relationships, the harder it is to look within..

But it is ONLY in looking within that we will find a way through.

What if your partner’s communication, dismissiveness and frustrating parts were the perfect response to how you are showing up?

What would that do to your narrative of nagging, complaining and seeing them as ‘wrong’ and in need of fixing?

Would that scare you or excite you?

Personally I find that possibility exciting, for it means that if you learn how to relate better you can bring out a new expression from another person, without them having to do the work or consciously know what’s going on..

It’s the closest thing to magic if you ask me!

Just that instead of rubbing a lamp..

You’re rubbing yourself..

with sandpaper..

Polishing all that’s full of friction and resistance within you.

My wife has managed to bring out the most devoted side of me..

Hell.. I had sworn I’d never get married (used to say to my family “Why make one woman miserable when I can make so many happy!”)

I’d decided I’d never want to have kids..

Never to live in nature.. (why bother if the city is where the fun was at?)

Nor watch lovey-dovey disney movies.

Yet the way that my wife shows up with me has made me want to be there for her, provide, protect and serve.

As a priviledge and not a mere obligation or expectation..

There are days that just the way she communicates something with me melts me down and makes me want to give the world to her ( when minutes ago I was keen on destroying it.)

There are days when the way she speaks to me touches a wound and my ways of coping, defending and avoiding come out.

We influence each other so much..

Yet unfortunately, most of the time for worse..

endless repeating cycles and low-quality relationships are the price we pay when we fail to commit to a new way of being.

Reliving our past relationships in our current one is but a side-effect of not having really done the work..

Not the one that matters relationally, that is.

Let us change that!

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