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“How can I be a better husband?” I asked my wife yesterday.

April 5, 2024


In the last two weeks she’s been extremely supportive of the work I’m doing and has taken the full load of our responsibilities at home.

She’s been doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, folding, watering the plants and grocery shopping.

As I wrapped up a meeting and made my way to the dining table to a delicious quinoa & brown rice pasta with homemade chickpea sauce and balsamic avocado, tomato and arugula salad..

and two strong feelings dawned on me.

First I felt so grateful for the generosity with which she nourishes us and ensures that our house feels like a Home.

I felt indebted.. which in my books is a great thing. (It’s a feeling of appreciation and gratitude so big that it propels you into loving action.)

However, beyond this feeling of appreciation I also noticed something..

She’d spent the last few days with a ponytail, in sweatpants and a tie-dye t-shirt I made for her a couple of years ago at a festival. (with what was supposed to look like a heart and ended up looking like a lightbulb.)

I asked her if she loved her outfit and she giggled and said “Of course not.. but it is what it is.”

My question was not about the outfit.

It was implied that we were talking about the ‘housewife’ archetype she’d been playing.

Like most women, she does what she does with so much love.. yet sometimes at her own expense.

And I see that part of my role as her man is to keep an eye out for this and protect her from her own self-neglect.

I recalled a very painful breakup a long time ago.

The biggest pain was not in us parting ways…

It was in feeling that I had not given her the love she deserved.

I felt I had taken her for granted and treated her like she’d always be there no matter what – and life handed me a lesson soon after.

Back then I promised myself to never again take my woman for granted so I would never have any regrets when things ended.

So back to my wife..

I asked her how I could be a better husband and she jokingly replied “More massages!”

If she could she’d hire someone full-time just to massage her through the day..

That’s her thing.

I often laugh it off and ask for something else as we have different bed-times, I’m busy, I don’t really know how to do it well, my body is sore from yoga, it’s inconvenient and (excuse, excuse, excuse).

Often when she asks for a massage I aikido my way around it.

Because being generous with our partner is rarely convenient.

The self-centred part of us would often have us prioritize our needs, desires and preferences over those of others.. even if we say we love them.

This all flashed in an instant and I decided I’d BE a loving and generous partner.

“I will give you one tonight, one hour before your bedtime.”- I replied.

She was surprised.

Fast forward a few hours and I had put a dozen candles around the bed, added a dimmed, orange-red LED light under the bed and a massage playlist I received from a former professional Gigolo. (which would not have been my personal choice of music at all but she absolutely LOVED!)

It took me about 10 minutes total to set everything up.

When I opened the door to the room she was overwhelmed with joy by the ambiance and thoughtfulness of the space, the music, the scents and the moment.

Her reaction was priceless.

I saw the eyes of a woman that was just reminded that she matters..

She was reminded that she’s worthy of being taken care of too.

Worthy of being celebrated and cared for..

Not because she earned it or exchanged it for “house-chores-currency.”


But because she is loved.

Because she is LOVE.

I said “I love everything you do for us.. and I want you to remember that you never have to play ‘housewife’ if you don’t want to. You feeling like a woman is what matters most to me. I love you.”

She teared up.

Me too.

I thought the massage would be a gesture of love and generosity for her yet there I was, basking in a deep feeling of love and generosity.

I was extra kind with my body and mind that evening by not working until late, by slowing down to the pace of the playlist, by coming back to the sensations in my hands and letting the head talk mellow out…

We often think we’re the givers when it is the ‘giving’ itself the biggest way in which we receive.

Yesterday I was reminded that it takes SO LITTLE to do so much for our partner.

And that such little effort can recharge our beloved’s heart’s batteries for weeks..

It is these moments of slowing down to Be in love the very moments that make the daily chores, responsibilities and mundane, grey-coloured, repetitive tasks a worthy and meaningful process.

Women do not mind caring for a home..

Men do not mind providing and protecting their home..

As long as the context of such service is one of love, never expectation, demand or entitlement.

When love is present, we’d give our life away for one another..

But take love for granted and we become stingy.

Accountants of love.

Counting pennies and withholding everything we’ve got..

Holding our generosity hostage, waiting for the other to go first.

But they never do because they’re on their corner counting their own pennies as they wait for us to do the same.

It takes so little to plant a seed of generosity and it goes such a long way!

And I don’t mean it only in romantic relationships.

Today when I sat down to work she brought me a glass of warm water, lit up my office’s altar candle and another one next to my laptop, prepared some incense and placed it next to me.

She never does this yet she knows that this is meaningful to me.

I felt so full, my cup was overflowing..

The superintendent came later to fix a drain issue in our shower and as he was about to go out he commented on a couple of paintings that were hanging on the wall.

Paintings I did about 10 years ago (when I used to sell artwork online and host art exhibitions.)

“Wow! I love these! If you ever make something similar I’d love to have one!” He said half jokingly..

“Wait a second..” I replied as I made my way to the meditation room where I remembered that I still had limited edition, high-quality signed prints of the very artworks he’d seen in the living room.

I gave him 5 of those and told him to keep the ones he likes and gift the rest.

I’m sure that -in his own way- his own cup will overflow later and find a generous expression with someone else, through his own talents and gifts.

Now this post isn’t about massages, candles or incense.

It’s about choosing to BE humans who go first and ignite love as a choice..

Not as a conditional transaction.

It is about planting the seeds of that which we want to see in the world.

If you have a partner I invite you to go to them later today and have a generous gesture.

If you don’t know what they’d love, just ask them.

If you don’t have a partner, have the gesture with a friend or a stranger..

& watch Love multiply as miracles unfold.