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ASKNICO: The woman I love has a boyfriend

June 23, 2016


“Hi Nicolas! Thank you for opening up this space for questions. I need some advice. I had seen this girl on a friend’s Facebook photos couple of times and always felt drawn to her and found her very attractive. About a month ago I was hanging out with my friend and she showed up so I got to meet her, she turned out to be my friend’s cousin. We talked and laughed and it was all good.

The three of us met up the next couple of days and as time went by I could see myself liking her more and more, and she was very receptive too. There would be points where none of us wanted to leave from how enjoyable the conversation was. 

So we have been talking and she has made me feel something I did not feel in a long time, something I had chosen not to feel because it tends to drive me out of focus and overthink and eventually suffer over small things. Yet it is hard to control and every day I like her more. And every day I feel she does too. 

My dilemma is that she has a boyfriend. A guy who treats her very poorly, jealous, controlling and overall just an asshole. But she loves him. She is unable to cut him off or make any decision of leaving him. And I feel like I do not want to go into that game, trying to steal her away from him as if she was some kind of trophy.

Nothing has happened between her and I other than a deep mutual connection and I cannot help but feel all these emotions. In another situation I would forget about it, if it wasn’t because I feel that the emotions are mutual from her side. 

So I don’t know what to do, or how to act around her, because I know she respects her relationship and wouldn’t cheat even when things aren’t working out, and I also do not want her to be with me as a rebound. 

I want her to choose to be with me out of her genuine desire. I want to be able to enjoy all these feelings with her and share something beautiful, and I just feel stuck. I see so much potential and it hurts that she is still with him. 

The woman I love has a boyfriend. What do I do?

Thank you! – D.”

Thanks for reaching out, D. I can completely relate to your situation and I’m sure most of us have been in a similar one at some point in our lives: The classical forbidden love with a villain. Sometimes with happy endings, most times without them.

I wonder, have you told her? have you shared with her everything you just did with me? is she aware (beyond emotions) of where you stand? have you painted a clear picture for her? or are you in the grey zone.

It seems to me in this case you’re on the 2nd one. You both like each other yet do not talk about it. She knows you like her, you know she likes you, you both know she has a boyfriend and nobody says a word.

The best you can do is set a strong intention and invitation for her. Yes, it may push her away but it also may draw her closer. I believe in love we should be ‘ALL-IN’ when we truly feel it. Have you considered opening up and being vulnerable about what you feel? Sometimes we wonder about all the possible ‘what-if’ scenarios instead of just going for the kill and finding out in a matter of minutes.

It is much safer to play the ‘nobody-says-a-word’ game, yet it doesn’t serve anyone. All you can do is open up your heart and share with her, in person, this part of your world. Allow her to see into you, into your fear, your doubts, your past pain, your worries, your concerns, your sadness and frustration and ultimately, into your deeply felt love. Allow her to see and feel the full range of what you are feeling, to see herself through your eyes and then, invite her into what you see is possible.

Invite her into the beauty that you see can happen for both of you. Invite her into the endless possibilities and experiences that you two could share together. Say what you feel. Say what you see. Share your heart and vision with her and then step back.

The ball is in her court. The next move is on her. You have done everything you could and now it is up to her.

At this point all your cards are on display and your chips on the table.

You may win it all or lose it too.

But at least you’ll know 🙂

  • I really enjoy addressing topics in this format. So please! if you have a question you want me to answer:
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