ASKNICO: There’s Strong Chemistry but, Is There Potential For More?

June 28, 2016

Nico!! I keep seeing your blog and reading your posts so it’s quite tempting to ask you a question.

It all started two years ago-ish, I met him at a bar, it turns out we were in the same program. He was just a year ahead, that was like the beginning.. We saw each other from September until end of July pretty inconsistently because “he didn’t want anything serious”

We started having sex half way through that time line, then idk he started becoming more sweet and caring.

He took me out for a valentines.. Planned it all himself, then again reminded me it wasn’t anything serious… It went on like that then he disappeared and came back after a month apologizing.

Then we were good, I met his mom and his family. After, we ended because someone form his past came back and He still had strong feelings for her, but I realized she left the country right when I met him then came back … I felt like the side chick.

I felt really shitty because I didn’t deserve that and he didn’t give me the choice, and wasn’t transparent with me about this girl.

Anyways I started seeing someone else, he is with her so we stopped talking obviously… Then a year ago he messages me on my graduation telling me how great I’m gonna be etc (the little things kill me, they’re the big things lol) and somehow he helped me out and edited all of my grad school applications, always on top of things.

He then messages me in March. I ask to go catch up have some drinks, he ends up kissing me, we had An amazing night or so I thought.. Then he goes missing for two months.

Last weekend he invited me to a party, I went and it was great time, then I find out he’s been “seeing” this other girl that was there that I knew from school, and I was upset.. But all night he kept coming to me and dirty talking in my ear.

Now he messaged me and asked when I was free next, I’m seeing him Monday.

I didn’t go through pain in the past, I moved on quickly since I couldn’t have feelings for him so my wall was built up, obviously there were moments of vulnerability but it hurt more that he wasn’t truly Honest with me but this time around Ive been working on my vulnerability and how to get the love i want.

And I think that’s why the feelings come stronger this time because I feel open to him this time because he isn’t limiting me just yet.

But I don’t know if the right move is to sleep with him again. I have feelings for him this time around.

I wanna have sex with him the chemistry is amazing but part of me says don’t fall back into it.

What does he want from me? and is there potential of being something else this time around?

Just torn.

-D.

Hey D.! thank you for sharing and reaching out. I genuinely appreciate it.

In most of my articles I try to create more questions than I provide answers. I focus on encouraging the person asking the question to make their own decisions.

In this case, I’ll just give it to you straight.

What does he want from you?

Nothing more and nothing less than what he always wanted. (Sex and a fun time, I assume)

Is there potential for something else this time?

Yes. There’s always potential for something else. Now, is there potential for the kind of relationship and love that you want? I’d say No.

Why?

Well, it is very simple.

You have over a year of experiences with this guy. From the very beginning his communication has been inconsistent and his words have had half-truths all over them. He has come and go without care for how you feel. And you have been kept in the dark about his other relationship(s) couple of times. To top this, he sneaks and flirts with you while the girl he is seeing is in the same space. (And from the sounds of it, it doesn’t seem like the other girl is aware of this).

See? it is very easy to become delusional in the name of hope and love and openness and possibilities.

It is harder to swallow the truth and stare at the facts without romanticizing them.

It is great and I acknowledge you for working on your vulnerability and being proactive about going for the love that you want. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should open your heart to every other guy you have strong chemistry with.

Good sex does not equal good intimacy or even good connection and relationship for that matter.

Good sex equals good sex and just that.

I get the sense that “the love you want” is much more than just good sex. I feel it includes empathy, honesty, good communication, connection, care and love.

A caring and loving man is not inconsistent. A caring and loving man does not lie. A caring and loving man does not juggle around with the feelings of different people, without their awareness/consent.

What we put up with, we end up with.

I can tell you what I foresee if you do meet up: You will have a fun time, then eventually he’ll go missing again. Then maybe come back and be with another girl, then perhaps invite you out again when he feels like it, and then the cycle continues.

And deep inside you know this.

You must honour and take care of your own heart. Especially now that you are doing your own work, removing the walls around your it and opening up.

It will be more tender than it has ever been. More vulnerable than ever before.

More alive and also more susceptible to pain.

Share the beauty of that with someone willing to hold it, care for it, caress it, and nurture it.

Someone willing to nourish that space and able to be there for you when things go bad.

Not with someone willing to drop it as soon as it doesn’t fit his agenda, then come back looking for it on the ground months later and pretending nothing ever happened.

It is a very common narrative I see today:
Lukewarm relationships where the girl doesn’t know where she stands and where the guy oscillates between caring and indifferent.