Up until a few years ago I had a hard time feeling fulfilled. No relationship, income goal or life experience was good enough.
I spent a few years traveling through 30+ countries, cultivating beautiful romances in every port and earning well enough to not have to worry about work for most of the year.
But there was always this subtle craving for more, for a greener grass and a fuller glass.
Especially around women, money and experiences.
I thought I was trying to be more and more FREE, but little did I know I was enslaved to the very same craving I had for freedom.
Above all, I wanted to meet a woman with whom I felt such a profound love that it would inspire me to let go of the searching altogether.
And in the process of keeping my mind and attention on what could be, I missed what was.
I hurt women that had been nothing but a glimpse of heaven in my life.
I’d go years without seeing my family back in Colombia.
I (unconsciously) co-destroyed the relationship I had then and turned a beautiful love story into suffering, chaos, deceit and ugliness.
And it was the pain of this loss the very same pain that forced me to pay attention and see what I had been creating.
I looked back and saw myself:
A little boy so scared of not being able to receive enough from life…
- Afraid of not being loved.
- Afraid of not having enough.
- Afraid of not being enough.
A boy in so much pain and fear of loss that he unconsciously destroyed all the beautiful things that had come into his path.
Because if this woman in front of him was not “good enough” for him, he would not have to truly open his heart.
He would not have to look at what within himself was holding him back from feeling and experiencing and receiving the love he craved so much.
I remember spending a whole day curled up in bed and sobbing for hours.
I started to see flashes of everything I had lived, every romance I had experienced, and how in spite of all of it, I had not let any of it in.
I was a thirsty boy sitting with his back to a beautiful oasis, looking at the desert dunes and wondering if there might be water somewhere else…
That day changed my life.
Realizing that life had over-delivered, and it was me who never received it.
Not fully, not with both arms.
It’s not that the women, the places, the experiences were not good enough…
It’s that there was not enough good within me.
And how to see in another something that I had not seen in myself? How to receive from somebody something that I deprived myself from?
That day was the day I realized what responsibility meant.
Taking ownership for my experience of life and realizing that I was the only one getting in my own way.
I wrote forgiveness letters to women whose hearts I had hurt, friends and family whose love I had taken for granted, and one to myself too.
Apologizing for what I had done, forgiving myself for having done it, and committing to something new.
And life changed.
I started to TRULY fall in love with myself, and very soon with life itself.
I came home to myself and to this moment and realized that only HERE and NOW I could fully receive all that life had in store for me.
And it has been overdelivering ever since.
What if the universe had waaay more in store for you than your limited grasping could ever help you take by your own means?
What if the love, the peace and the prosperity that you so desire is a lot closer than what your striving would make you believe?
Are you ready to receive it? Fully and vulnerably?
or will you continue rejecting the very same thing that you desire?
The choice is yours.
