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Stop trying to “earn” love

April 5, 2021

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(Having moved on my own from Colombia to Canada at 16, I was unaware that there were women who provided for younger men. It was often the older men who would “bless” the younger women back home blessed)

So here’s the story:

I was out at a party with friends and I met this 35+ old woman.

She looked incredibly well! I assumed she was probably just a few years older than me and that’s it.

So we danced and chatted and kissed.

And I was genuinely excited for having met a woman that I found attractive and that found me attractive (I was very insecure back then) At least until a few days later…

She showed up to my dorm room with a bag full of food and alcohol (I was not legally allowed to buy booze yet) and said “Here’s for you and your friends, so you have fun tonight!

And left.

She did a lot of things like this. (care taking, providing, buying and spending money on me)

She’d say “go have fun with your friends and text me when you’re done and we’ll hang out” to accommodate to my needs.

Unconsciously, I started to realize that this woman was here to give to me. She was there to tend to my needs.

And I tried to end it, I told her that I was too young and just wanted to have fun and explore and not hurt her in the process.

She cried and asked me to stay.

I said no.

She asked, and asked, and said “you can do whatever you want with other women, just don’t let me see.

And I thought “Well, that choice is on her – I’ve been honest with my intentions and expectations

So I said “Alright, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you but okay.

And it was not.

I partied and had fun with my friends, and sometimes at the end of the night I would call her and go visit her. Or I’d send her a message mid day saying “ughh I’m at school and so hungry” and she’d have lunch ready in a heartbeat.

During conversation she’d hear that I was planning on buying clothes and she’d show up the next day with bags full of them. She would take me and my friends for dinner to expensive restaurants and not let us pay.

Anyways…

She felt that the more she gave to me, the more she tended to what I wanted, the more my needs were satisfied (even if this was at the expense of her own).

She would receive love.
She would feel loved.

But – even though I was a good kid that was raised with morals and values – it started bringing an ugly side from me.

A side of me that lacked empathy for her situation (because after-all, she had willingly chosen it and she willingly stayed.)

And I began to unconsciously take advantage of her. Take and take more and give less and less every time.

I’d show up to her place when I was drunk, horny and lonely, hungry or just bored.

She’d find out I was kissing other women and would cry and try to get me to commit but I’d just walk away and she’d come back soon after.

Needless to say, it ended very painfully for her.

Years later I became aware of the pain I had put her through and reached out and apologized, thanked her for all her generosity and forgave myself for putting her and I through that relationship.

But most importantly, and the reason I am sharing this story, is because I realized something:

When you are constantly giving and giving and giving…

And you do not receive back, yet you stay in that situation.

You’ve got a deep attachment wound.

And you attract men who either match or would end up preying on that wound.

You believe that love can only be received if you tend to other’s needs, take care of them, provide or make things easier for them.

But what is this if not a TOTAL fear of intimacy?

You may think that over giving, people pleasing and being accommodating are the tools you are using to receive love. But in reality they are tools you hide behind, not to receive love.

Let me explain:

When you think that you have to constantly please others so they like you and love you, what you are saying (unconsciously) is “I am not lovable for who I am, therefore I need to work for it“. Or in essence “I’m not worthy of receiving, unless I’ve paid a price for it”.

The price can be providing and doing things for others, being nice, having to look a certain way (fake lips, boobs, asses, lashes, etc.)

Having to be “wife-material“, a good girl or a successful one.

You get the idea

But the trick here is that the more you pay this price, the less love you receive and the more you push people away. no high value man would stay with a woman with doormatting behaviour.

I do not know of any great, solid, conscious man who would want an insecure woman for a partner. I also cannot think of any great woman who would want to marry a try-hard dude.

No King wants a weak people-pleasing, insecure girl for a queen.

Only princesses need rescuing,

And only boys – yet without a kingdom of their own, have the time to go play the hero, because playing hero for someone else distracts them from the emptiness, lack of structure and vision that their own life has.

(always easier to focus and try to solve other’s problems first, isn’t it?)

This is why you will find that women without boundaries tend to attract men without empathy.

And women who are hyper controlling and jealous tend to always find the liars and the cheaters. Men who are too nice end up with women who are emasculating. And men who lack direction wind up with a mothering woman for a partner.

We are NEVER in relationship with someone that we are not, in some way, an energetic match to.

And this may be a painful realization, but a necessary one, because it makes you responsible for the relationships you have created.

So if you are not receiving the kind of love, passion or finances that you want. Perhaps it is because you are (unconsciously) inviting something different.

Your life is a restaurant with a vast, open, infinite menu.

Where what you get is what you choose. And that’s good and bad news.

Bad news because most of your choices are a compounded result of compulsions, fears, insecurities and traumas – yet you’re probably unaware of most of them. So they choose for you – and you just wait and relive the same stories over and over.

The same order comes to your table and you wonder why (and perhaps even blame the restaurant and the cooks and the waiters for it)

The good news is that all it takes is a NEW choice for life to deliver a TOTALLY different experience.

And a new choice is something that can be practiced. It’s not ephemeral “woo-woo“, the secret nonsense.

It’s actually quite practical!

And there are clear steps to learn to free yourself from the invisible threads that rig your life and learn to order –consciously– what you REALLY want.

So, If you’re a woman that is ready to start making NEW choices

So that you can stop settling for breadcrumbs (in your relationships and in business)

And you’re open to start receiving abundantly from men and life.

Comment “IN!” below, and I’ll send you a message to invite you to the free live training I’m hosting called “Peace, Passion & Prosperity – A guide for women to be in flow & with cash flow.

PS: A few times I’ve received sarcastic messages from women saying “Oh thank you, I did not know I needed to learn how to be a woman from a man.

So to clarify, I’m not teaching you how to be a woman. (I love women but I know nothing of being one.) I’m teaching about peace of mind, relationships and money (which I have learned to produce and receive abundantly in my own life). But if you have trouble receiving (especially from men). Wouldn’t you want to welcome giving from a man.

And having a man be the one helping you exercise the muscle of allowing and receiving?

😉

That’s all! Hope you enjoyed the story.