Let’s face it. Every relationship is different. However, the following two traits are the fundamental basis to healthy connections. Lacking them, or dating a partner who lacks them, will inevitably result in break ups, cheating, lies, resentment, and wasted years.
Not only in romantic relationships but also among family, friends and coworkers.
These two traits are the cornerstone of connecting. Everything else is a plus.
Here’s they are:
For a healthy relationship to work, honesty has to be the ground in which we plant our crops. Honesty has two directions: Personal Honesty and Relational Honesty.
Personal Honesty implies being fully transparent with ourselves. Being truly, fully, bluntly clear about what it is that we want. To leave all bullshit, peer pressure and social conditioning aside and tap into our deepest, rawest most genuine desires and acknowledge them. To honour and accept our selves.
Practically, this means becoming crystal clear about what type of relationship is ideal for us. Do we feel too young to commit to one sexual partner? Do we feel old enough to have kids and make that a priority? do we want multiple partners? do we want to build a family right now? do we want deep intimacy and exclusivity? do we want a non-string-attached fling? The options are countless.
Most people fall into a black and white category in which they believe they have to follow societal’s preconceived expectations of what a man and woman should do, and the agreements under which they should do it. Which is to become boyfriend and girlfriend, be sexually exclusive until you get married, buy a house, get a pet, have kids and put a white fence around the garden.
However, over 70% of marriages end up in divorce.
Personally, I do not believe it is because there is a lack of love. I believe that there is a lack of honesty.
It is okay to want to be sexually explorative (whether you are a man or a woman). You are entitled to pursue the desires and passions that make you happy. It is also okay to crave exclusivity (if it comes from a place of preference and not one of insecurity). It is okay to have open relationships. It is okay to have one night stands. It is okay to have friends with benefits. It is okay to be looking for a man or woman to have a family with.
I have seen countless men and women playing the “dating game”. Pretending to be great boyfriend and girlfriend prospects, while underneath the mask they only crave sexual exploration and a fun time yet fear the judgement of those around them (specially women).
What matters is that you are clear about what it is that you want to experience NOW.
You must be honest with yourself about what you want, or you will end up in a relationship being what someone else wants and leaving your own needs aside.
It is also key to choose a partner that is aware of his own needs and desires. Because only then the relationship that you create is based on a mutual agreement and alignment of what you two want to create. It becomes a co-created relationship and not a society-defined cookie-cutter relationship.
Relational Honesty is just an extension of personal honesty. It means having the balls, integrity and commitment to verbalize and speak up that which is true to us.
In the very beginning, it means being clear and transparent about our desires and intentions. It means not misleading anybody into thinking that we are providing something we are not. Throughout the relationship, it means replying truthfully and honesty at all times. Specially when it is most difficult and challenging. Specially when we feel that our partner may not like it.
Because most people in relationships today suffer from a lack of trust. Most of us have had the awful experience of being lied to, cheated on, misled and so on. So our reactive response becomes an underlying distrust. And this is poison to a relationship.
If on top of dealing with the day to day challenges of interacting with a completely different human being, we add the weight of not being fully sure about every word they say, and the extra brain-power we use overthinking about whether or not they are lying to us, we are in for a very stressful relationship.
Dating an honest partner means that they will always honour the truth over anything else. They will tell it to you straight. The good, the bad and the ugly. There is no room for hidden agendas. Dating an honest man or woman means that you never have to wonder if they are cheating on you, or if they want to see someone else, or if they feel unfulfilled. You never have to second guess their words.
If something is wrong, they will tell you.
Honest people know that truth hurts and heals, yet betrayal hurts and scars for life.
How to find an honest partner? Jump in first. You cannot request that which you are not willing to offer. Be mindful and aware of your own desires and put them on the table.
A relationship without honesty and trust is like a cellphone without service. All you can do is play games.
It is pivotal to have a foundation of honesty and trust. And it is also fundamental to ice the cake with Good Communication. Because what use do we have for words of truth if they are not communicated? And what use to we have for Honesty if communicated in a negative way?
I’ll jump into the practicality of this point.
Let’s say you have self-inquired and realized that it feels right to you to engage in non-strings-attached fun and sexual exploration. Now you have been honest and you plan on communicating your truth to the people that you meet.
It could be done in two ways:”Hey! Just so you know I only want to have sex. No feelings. I don’t want any of that so make sure not to get clingy or attached because I want to have fun with other people too.” – Even the most open minded of men and women would cringe upon hearing this. It is not a very motivating proposal even to those who are in the same frequency.
A better way to say this would be:
“Hey! You know, I’m at a stage in my life in which freedom and excitement are pivotal to my growth. I really enjoy spending time with you and find you very attractive. I feel that we could have a lot of fun together. At the same time, I wanted to ensure that you know that I’m currently in a very light hearted state of connecting, and while I do not intend right now in having a relationship I’m open to having genuine, caring and exciting fun with those I meet.” – This is good communication. It is bridging the gap between your partner’s world and your own. It is painting a beautiful picture and how you see it and inviting the other to stand by your side and stare at its beauty.
Good communication is like planning an adventure and extend your hand.
The decision to join or not is up to the other, yet how beautiful you craft and paint and plan that adventure is up to you.
Good communication does not apply only to the beginning of a relationship. It is a key ingredient in its survival and evolution. It is an art on its own. Sometimes we will want to share delicate feedback to our partners. Some other times we will want to share new desires that we wish to explore. In both cases we are being fully honest, yet it is easy for the conversation to turn sour if communicated poorly.
I will share a recent personal example so you understand the power of good/bad communication.
Recently, my girlfriend tried to communicate that she wanted me to paint her (I’m a painter and most of my part involves women and sensuality). She argued that in almost three years I have only painted her twice, that she felt unappreciated, that it hurt her knowing I wanted to paint other women, that in contrast to me there are other men who appreciate her beauty more, That she did not feel like she was a “fuck yes” to me in that sense.
In other worlds, she communicated what was missing, what I was not doing enough, all the negative emotions she felt, how other guys were better at this than I was, and how bad it all made her feel.
Very inspiring, right? 🙂
I felt myself disconnecting and feeling defensive, angry, frustrated and disrespected. Upset and distant. Yet upon closer inspection I realized that it wasn’t her desire for me to paint her which created the space for me to feel this way. It was how she had communicated it.
God! I’d love to paint her. I think she’s extremely beautiful and I crave sharing that experience more often with her. Perhaps it has been a lack of intention and discipline on my side, but the appreciation for her feminine energy and radiance is always there.
Yet, she turned that into a very heavy feeling. Through communication.
I spotted this and shared with her exactly what I’m sharing with you.Most of us do not feel drawn and inspired when our partner asks for something with a belt and whip on hand. However, painting a beautiful exciting picture that pulls us forward gets the job done almost all the time.
Good communication in my personal situation would have looked like this. “Hey love! I would looove and feel super attractive if we made some time this week. I noticed you recently bought a lot of art supplies and new canvases. How would you feel if I brought home a bit of wine and posed for you to paint me or paint on me. Then as you are done we could cover the bed with an old blanket and roll in paint together and just have a very sexy, beautiful moment together?”
Damn! I wouldn’t be writing this today. I’d be on my third bottle and out of canvases by now 🙂
Good communication is like magic.
Use it wisely!
‘Abracadabra’ derives from an aramaic phrase that means “I create as I speak”
So be mindful of what you choose to create, and the language you use towards it. It will get you anything you want (or don’t want)
It is key to BE and date an honest person because it means that we can trust everything that they say and they will trust our word as well. No second guessing and no ‘grey areas’. And then to learn the art of good communication and date a partner who communicates proficiently, so when conflict arises or when new desires come up, we can navigate through them smoothly without creating any drama.
If you enjoyed reading this article and feel that you may know someone who could use a reminder, please Share it in social media 🙂
PS: If you enjoyed reading this article you may also enjoy