In shamanic traditions the butterfly represents the radically different potential that lies dormant within the caterpillar’s heart.
If caterpillars were asked about what they wanted to get before going into their cocoon they would’ve probably said “a bigger body” “faster legs” “a stronger grip!” or something along the those lines:
A subtle (or big) improvement on what they had known in life.
A minor, positive change on their pre-existing limitations.
But that’s NOT transformation.
Transformation means that nothing of the old remains..
It means that the “new” life is not a result of old conditioning and old wishes but instead, the blooming of a deeper intelligence.
Life’s greatest mysteries expressing themselves in the most unlikely of dances..
Turning lead into gold, not into shinier lead.
The same is possible for you, if you’re willing
May you invite the energy of transformation into your life and may you welcome it with open arms, for it bears gifts..
However, the gifts often come with a heavy dose of uncertainty and chaos.
For it is not here to bring comfort, subtle improvements or gradual change.
“Should I shift careers and go ALL-IN into my heart’s calling?”
“Should I leave my relationship or stay and try to make it work?”
“Should I stay where I live or travel/move abroad?”
People’s lives are wasted in the 3 questions above.
They die old, either lonely or in a mediocre, resentment-fuelled relationship.
Jaded about not having taken the risks they wanted to with a forever “what if!” carved in their foreheads.
Regretting all the years wasted in indecisiveness, feeling stuck and in a perpetual state of “something big’s about to come”
But nothing happened.
Not because it wasn’t possible, but because they didn’t know what they wanted.
Put a gun to someone’s head and tell them what it would take for them not to get a bullet and you’ll see the laziest, least motivated of persons surprise themselves at how resourceful and energized they are.
That is the power of knowing exactly what you want and the next steps you need to take to move closer to that.
On the other hand, I know plenty of super capable, gifted people wasting their time away scrolling through social media, traveling for comfort and in uninspiring relationships..
Endlessly marinating in a sea of mediocre.
Just because they’re not clear.
And here’s the tricky thing:
You cannot think your way into a solution..
In the same way you cannot “Think outside the box” because THINKING IS THE BOX!
Your mind will keep you enslaved to what’s known, predictable and safe before you gather the courage to take a leap of faith.
However, you are not your mind.
And your intelligence goes way deeper than your thought process.
How to access it, so that our decisions can come from a deep, grounded, reliable place, that’s the question!
We all have our kinks, flaws, hang-ups, fears and ways in which we close down to avoid intimacy.
For some, people pleasing is their go-to vice when seeking to belong, be reassured and approved of (which are second-grade substitutes for true connection).
For some other, avoidance, disconnection, distraction and pretending to ignore the other is their safe-zone when faced with someone’s interest, needs or expressions of love.
Most humans oscillate between the two:
Chasing love, trying to earn it, being a “nice guy” or a “good girl”, working hard to have something to “prove” to the world (and to ourselves) in terms of our worthiness..
While simultaneously cringing when someone else expresses love a little too deep, too open, too fast, too unfiltered.
Because it’s a lot easier to hide and diagnose all that is wrong with the other… (Too intense, too clingy, too needy, too interested, too “______”).. Than it is to realize that it is not about the other at all.
It’s about YOU..
And your unintegrated relationship with having needs and expressing them.
It often goes hand in hand:
If you take pride on being hyper-independent, perhaps you fail to recognize that you grew up in spaces where your needs were not validated.
It was therefore RISKY to have needs.
A volatile mother or an unstable, violent father..
Absent, distracted, emotionally closed off caretakers..
As a child you were left feeling on your own since every time you had a need it was met with denial, punishment or avoidance.
Perhaps there was so much chaos at home between your parents that you wouldn’t even bother.
So the safest way to operate became to have no needs!
To not need mom or dad (or anyone for that matter).
To do whatever it took to be your own person so you would never have to depend on others, for it seemed like a losing proposition.
So you closed off, hardened and grew older pretending you didn’t need anyone, when you know deep inside that a large part of you craves feeling held and fully seen by others.
And yet, you cringe when others give room to their needs in connection with you.
Because it isn’t them you’re judging or avoiding..
It is YOU.
The part of you that feels you’re not allowed to have needs. (And resents those who do)
The part of you that deep inside grieves the absence of vulnerable connection in his/her life..
Yet it’s a lot easier to silence these feelings with vices, distractions, overworking to burnout, sports to the point of exhaustion/injury, being a “good human”, always productive and there for others.
It’s so easy to be the one that’s often there when anyone needs them…
And so hard to need others.
So what to do?
You soften.
You notice when you tense up in relationship with others.
You see when you disconnect, avoid or deflect.
You breathe.
And you re-connect.
You make room for others to express their needs and their love,
And you allow yourself to -bit by bit- express yours.
You find people with whom it is safe for you to open up and lean on..
You take breaks from being the nourisher.
And you allow yourself to be nourished.
You learn to lean forward when you want to lean back..
And you keep your heart open when you want to close down.
However, there’s a few nuanced differences between complaining and sharing one’s heart.
A complaint focuses on the other person, what they are failing to do or what they are doing wrong.
Sharing your heart focuses on you, your emotions, what you are feeling and your inner experience.
The tone of a complaint is often one of confrontation,
the one of an open heart is that of revelation.
A conversation started off a complaint often has the effect that it is received with resistance, defensiveness, dismissiveness or aggression (because it’s experienced as an attack, unless the other has done enough work to read through the lines.)..
While sharing your heart often (not always, but very often) brings out compassion, understanding and desire to step in a lead.
“Speaking from your heart” is something that most people misunderstand as speaking from your emotions or from a highly charged and emotionally volatile space.
That’s NOT it.
That’s reactivity and often, poor self regulation.
Emotional vomit.
To truly share from one’s heart is to place our heart in the hands and give the other a glimpse of what we’re going through.. WITHOUT making them guilty, without pointing a single finger, without blaming or making them responsible for how we feel..
Just opening a window that says:
“This is the truth of how I feel around what just happened”
It does not seek to change or punish the other..
It seeks to share one’s world with them.
And it is rarely received as a complaint… for there’s nothing you are asking of them, nor anything you’re shaming, judging or attacking.
A complaint in essence is about the present moment not being good enough or acceptable.
Sharing your heart embraces the moment as it is, recognizes its perfection without minimizing the grief, pain and waves of emotion that are present within you.
So in essence, a complaint is a tool through which we reject the other and the moment.
Sharing our heart, one in which we include them, and deepen their awareness of where we’re at (while owning all that is ours).
A simple example would be, let’s say, we’re dating and I came home from work really tired and hungry..
..Yet you just finished having dinner and didn’t make nor leave some for me.
Complaint:
– Why couldn’t you think of me?
– Why did you eat it all?
(passive aggression): Oh you forgot you had a partner..
(“conscious” complaint):
– I’m so hungry and tired, I wish you would think more often about me and would’ve left some food out, please next time save some. (trying to be nice while keeping in all the frustration and anger)
Or I may just keep it all in, not say a thing and gather resentment until I -unconsciously- get to make things even and take it out on you.
Sharing the heart:
I would sit with what I’m feeling and explore it.. for I know it’s mine (sure, triggered by something you did or didn’t do, but ultimately mine)
Perhaps it would evolve like this:
Shocked, confused, exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, bitter, judgemental, feeling left out, abandoned, not worthy of being taken care of, dismissed, not included, taken for granted, not appreciated, not supported, alone, lonely, disconnected, deeply sad.
The truth of the moment is that you didn’t prepare a meal.
A complaint happens when I take the moment personal (i.e. My partner does not care about ME)
But in truth there are a million GOOD reasons why you may not have done it..
Perhaps you were burdened with your own things, maybe you went through a rough day and didn’t have the bandwidth to anticipate my coming home, perhaps there wasn’t any food in the fridge and you assumed I would eat before coming home.. and so it goes…
Perhaps someone close to you passed away and you needed a moment.
Would I complain in that moment, if I knew that was the case?
Definitely not.
Same situation but I’m not taking it personal or creating a meaning about me / us.
So back to the sharing of the heart:
Upon witnessing all that moves within me, I would perhaps sit on the sofa and, depending on how intense the emotions are, I may cry..
Out of grief for all that has moved within me, I may cry tears over the feelings of abandonment and loneliness, over the hunger and the work that kept me so tired until that moment, over the long and arduous day that does not yet end…
I may cry at the heaviness I feel towards you, for it consumes me too..
and in that moment you may ask why I cry..
And I can share with you how I’m feeling.
“I feel so overwhelmed.. I had a very long day at work and I’m starving, and coming home to see you had dinner without me sparked a lot of difficult emotions in me right now, I know you have your reasons, and I feel dismissed and alone in this moment…”
Notice there’s no pointing of a finger, no blaming, no demands or expectations, no vomiting of emotions on you, just sharing them as they’ve come up within me – with full responsibility…
In that moment, it would be extremely hard for any loving partner not to be touched and want to do something about the other’s pain.
Not because it was forced or nagged out of them but because it was inspired and drawn in.
Our openness, when shared with those we love (and love us), is the bridge towards transformative action.
Venting about that which we reject rarely has positive consequences. It tends to induce shame and any correction that follows through is unsustainable for the shift was rooted in “not wanting to upset you” AKA: Shame and guilt and not love and care.
You get to decide what emotions you want to become the structure of your relationship and from what place you wish to see changes.
“But Nico.. if I share my heart with my partner, nothing gets done.. nothing will change.”
Well, even a donkey moves forward if you beat them hard enough with a stick..
It doesn’t mean the donkey is willing to walk the same direction as you.
Especially for a woman that is feminine, if your open heart does not inspire your man to show up in a fuller way around the areas in which he’s unaware, he’s not your man.
His attention may be on his own interests, desires and needs..
Without much regard for witnessing you.
There’s no need to ever want to change someone else…
If you try and force a flower to bloom from the outside, you’re bound to destroy it in the process.
There’s a reason some women are labeled as “intimidating”, “high-maintenance” and “too much” by a lot of guys.
While hearing those words can trigger a sense of inadequacy, they say more about him than about her.
In essence, these men are saying only one thing:
“I do not see how I can bring any value into your life.”
Let’s face it..
Most men want to find a woman “in need” and step into the picture to become the white knight that rescues her.
So they are used to going for “broken dolls” and out-of-alignment women.
Because with them it’s very easy and clear to see the value they bring into their life:
Direction, financial provision, emotional stability and protection.
She’s the mess and him, the mess-iah..
But what can a man give to a woman that does NOT need anything from him?
A lot of guys are troubled in the face of a woman who seems to have her financial, emotional and spiritual life together.
Because they don’t see an opening for them to come in to the rescue…
Because there’s no evident brokenness for them to feel useful in her life.
So they prefer to tell her she’s intimidating instead of owning the fact that they feel disempowered and therefore THEY feel intimidated.
They prefer to tell her she’s high maintenance instead of facing their own lack of consistency, ambition and work ethic.
It is MUCH easier to pathologize her than to own the frequency of scarcity and limitedness with which they may have chosen to lead their life.
They prefer to tell her she’s too much rather than own the part within themselves where they don’t feel “enough”.
And it all boils down to ONE thing and one thing only:
What does a man give to a woman who seems to “have it all” ?
His presence.
His masculine, piercing, loving, heart-centered, penetrative presence.
Which is the essence of who he is..
Something she cannot get anywhere else on her own – and the reason she’s open and wanting to invite a romantic partner into her life.
However, these timid men who cast names instead of owning their insufficiencies are essentially disconnected from that.
Because if they were attuned to the truth of WHO and WHAT they are..
They’d know that regardless of the power, the status, the money, and the stability that a woman has created for herself…
The gift of their presence and masculine energy is the one thing she’s truly looking for.
And the one thing he is really disconnected from.
So if you are a woman reading this and you have been assigned some of these labels in the past (and you are aware enough to know you’ve done your best to open up fully)
Know that it is a great thing for these guys to filter themselves out of the picture..
For you do not want a man who:
1- Lacks the consciousness required to own the areas in which he feels threatened, vulnerable and insecure (and therefore projects that unto you so he doesn’t have to deal with it.)
2- Prefers to give up altogether instead of embracing what it would take from him to show up to the standard you’re meeting him with.
And if you are a man reading this and you have labeled women intimidating, too much or ‘high maintenance’ in the past, I invite you to inquire:
Were they genuinely like this?
Or was there something about them that made you feel like a lesser man?
Was she genuinely intimidating and entitled?
Or were you scared that you wouldn’t have what it took to show up in the way you felt SHE deserved?
And finally, are you aware of YOUR unique gift to women?
Are you connected to the depth and power that your masculine essence brings forth?
#1 – The more you think others are the problem, the more likely it is that it’s you (and your delusions)
#2 – Everything that has happened, to this day, in your relationships is YOUR responsibility. (not necessarily your fault, but 100% your responsibility.)
#3 – The more you reject point #2 the longer it will take you to grow up and own your part when it comes to the beauty (or nastiness) that you’ve co-created
#4 – There’s nobody made for you. No twin flames, soul mates or other bs, pseudo-spiritual nonsense. The creator didn’t create one more human just to engage in toxic codependency with you and use spirituality to justify your attachments.
Grow up.
#5 – Healthy love will happen only when you are more focused on what YOU should change, instead of what others are doing wrong or failing to do.
#6 – If you often play the role of parent / saviour / rescuer / coach or the spiritual guide to those you are engaged with romantically, you are 99.99% operating out of shame, unworthiness and have confused feeling needed for love.
#7 – The more you’re concerned about the others not doing their share of the work, the more your attention is on your partner, the more you’re avoiding doing YOUR own work and dealing with your own emotions.
#8 – Unless you’re at peace and have forgiven (truly, from the heart) all the ways in which your dad, mom and all previous partners have shown up, you will have a VERY hard time feeling secure and fulfilled romantically.
#9 – Obsession with finding the perfect partner is often a symptom of disconnection, fear of openness and absent vulnerability. It’s easier to blame it on “nobody being good enough” versus acknowledging you’re afraid.
#10 – If you carry any judgements, jadedness or apathy towards the opposite gender, you’re bound to run continuously into partners that reassure your stories.
BONUS:
How excited or heavy you feel about the following words is one of the greatest measuring bars to understand where you’re at in your journey of conscious love and connection:
– Commitment
– Responsibility
– Dedication
– Consistency
– Devotion
– Agreements
– Sacrifice
– Discipline
– Patience
– Surrender
If upon reading these, you feel a sense of sacredness and reverence –
Congratulations! You are already living life In – Love.
Whether a partner shows up or not will not matter much.
If upon reading them you felt rejection, triggers or heaviness..
There’s work for you to do in developing a healthier, more realistic and inclusive relationship with life and love.
When you do not feel seen by your partner a big part of the pain you feel is in regards to your own narratives around it:
-I’m not good enough
-I’m not worthy of love
-I must have done something wrong
Which is often followed by a corresponding trauma response:
-I must please them and earn back their attention and love
-I must distance myself so I don’t feel shame, heart-ache or discomfort
-I must create a reason for them to pay attention (drama, nagging, passive aggression, cheating and so on)
These happen mostly unconsciously and lead to endless trouble and cycles of pain and disconnection.
However, another big part of the pain you feel when you’re not seen by your partner is because of FEAR.
That feeling / sensation in your body when you know the other is not present to you, often creates a fear response..
Just the same way your body would react if you were the copilot in a car and the driver suddenly decided to close their eyes while driving in the middle of a highway…
Fear, anxiety, panic and reactions ensue.
When another person is not present it means they are disconnected (from the moment, from us and most likely from themselves)
And disconnection is the root of all transgressions, use and abuse.
It is in disconnection and ignorance (unconsciously ignoring life) where bitterness sprouts and consumes everything it touches.
So not feeling seen is -sometimes- an indicator of danger.
Your partner has fallen asleep at the wheel and they’re bound to crash..
Their disconnection means they won’t be attuned to your heart, your needs, safety and tender openness and therefore it is a matter of time until they act in a way that feels as a transgression.
So, in relationships always remember that what you feel is your responsibility.
The way you feel and your emotions are your choice.
(one that sometimes may be hard to exercise)
However, they often come to tell a message.
So always listen to it!
If your partner is blinded by their own pain, it won’t take long until it sips into the relationship and all the things they’re not able or willing to move through, they will lean on you.
These are 4 of the biggest lies social media may have sold you when it comes to romantic relationships.
#1:”If it’s not a F*CK YES! its a HELL NO.”
The Truth:
Although the quote above attempts to inspire clarity and higher standards, it often creates lots of confusion because no relationship is 100% perfect, nor it is 100% horrible.
LIFE IS NOT BLACK OR WHITE, and in the grey zones lie most of the relational challenges.
There will ALWAYS be parts of yourself, your partner and the world that you’re a F-YES to, and many others that you’re not so fond of..
Your NO can be a healthy filter, but it can also become the wall behind which you hide your fear of being vulnerable.
So the art is in learning to discern what difficult parts of others we meet with love and compassion and which other we meet with distance and strongly held boundaries.
All relationships come with a fair degree of challenges.
However, do not let this be the reason you constantly run away from them..
Nor the reason you constantly cling to toxicity, hiding trauma, attachments and codependency under the banner of “hope and commitment”.
Relationships are far more nuanced than a yes/no, dualistic approach.
Stop basing yours on cliché quotes.
#2: “Avoid trauma bonding at all costs.”
The Truth:
All trauma in essence points towards painful experiences of separation. Human birth being our very first one. (We become physically separated from our mother for the very first time) Violence, abuse, abandonment, betrayal and many other human experiences further add to this cocktail as time goes by and a lot of your personality is created around running away from what has caused you pain and moving towards what has brought you pleasure, comfort and connection. Trauma is therefore a big part of the curriculum of being human – it is the plot twists and challenges that (literally) develop the character.
So to avoid trauma bonding is unrealistic for a lot of what you love (and despise) in others can be directly rooted to previous experiences you had.
In Hindu traditions they speak of karma, vasanas, runanubhanda and many other ingrained patterns of the human mind and the body and energy system.. and they highlight that without any karma, a human being cannot keep the body for much longer (for they will have completed their journey and will return to ONENESS / GOD / SOURCE as they have trascended all separation)
So it is this karma which adds density and heaviness (as well as a goal and a path) to the soul that is seeking to know itself experientially, and therefore allows it to hold on to the body..
In other words, if you want trauma free bonding you must date an enlightened being..
And you must have reached enlightenment yourself. But by then, I doubt you’ll have a special affinity for “one lover” as the whole universe will have become your beloved. In the meantime trying to avoid “Trauma Bonding” is a guaranteed recipe for judgement and unrealistic expectations.
Instead, choose partners who are actively taking responsibility and working on their own stuff at a similar pace as yours.
That’s the closest to “Perfect” it gets.
#3: “EVERY PROBLEM IN RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE TRACED TO A MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGy IMBALANCE.”
The Truth:
To those with a hammer in their hand every problem looks like a nail.
Polarity teachings can be of great value, but they’re merely ONE LAYER of your romantic relationships.
So be mindful of taking everything an online teacher shares at face value, for they all have their own agenda, blind spots and limited awareness (including me).
A conscious relationship goes beyond a dance of a leader and a follower.
Polarity teachings can reignite sexual sparks and re-establish respect and order inside of a couple..
However, for a relationship to work you need more than a super-alpha dominant male or a hyper-feminized and surrender-thirsty female.
The problem is that when nothing outside of this dance is explored (shared visions, devotion, values and spiritual alignment) you are bound to create an addictive cocktail of a “love-story” with someone with whom you’re inherently misaligned.
And VERY often, this is a recipe for horrendous disasters.
For you will have wired your nervous system, body and bonding/pleasure centers to become constantly stimulated (or regulated) by another.. so the moment you’re back on your own you’ll go through withdrawals and call it love.
#4: “IF YOU DO ENOUGH INNER WORK, THE OUTSIDE WILL SORT ITSELF OUT.”
The Truth:
You can visualize the ice-cream you want.
You can do shadow work about your rejection of sweetness and ice-cream worthiness.
You can meditate on seeing yourself eating the exact flavour you want and if you’re good, even have your mouth water in response…
YET IF YOU WANT ICE CREAM,
You still have to get your ass off the couch..
Grab some money..
Walk some blocks
Buy it
And then eat it.
Part of doing the “inner” work is losing the fear and apprehension about doing the “outer” work.
Sorting out the nonsense within you, the pain of your past and all your history is essential…
Yet you must take aligned action.
You can meditate all that you want but if you shy away from all social situations, lack hobbies and interests, communicate poorly, have poor hygiene and take poor little care of yourself..
Mr. / Mrs. Right won’t ever show up. Clear up the garbage but don’t forget that life is not merely about that. You gotta step out of your cocoon of transformation and work and into the arena of life.
That’s where you’ll test your mettle.
Some practical suggestions for taking aligned action are:
-To examine and actively change your social circle.
-To stop partying and hoping to meet serious love at nightclubs and bars.
-To finally end and let go of inconsistent and mediocre love stories.
-To smile more often, walk in nature, attend classes of things that light you up.
-To invest in a coach/mentor and commit to showing up for yourself for more than a few days or weeks.
-To own the way you communicate, apologize when necessary and decide to always tell the truth.
-To commit to living with an open heart, especially when it hurts.
Doing the inner work is a must but it is in the implementation that tangible results are created..
It is also in relationship to someone else that you’ll get to see how much you’ve really outgrown your fears and patterns.. (or not!)
And remember: An act of courage is life’s greatest prayer.
There are many more lies that are often shared online, however I invite you to discern and ensure that the teachers you follow:
-Are not oversimplifying relationships or leaving you with well-sounding one-liners that leave you more confused.
-Are not painting unrealistic ideals of what bonding should be like and glamourizing idealized, trauma and conflict free relationships. (Again, there’s healthy and toxic tension inside of every love story – discernment is key. Sometimes you should stay and work on your triggers, sometimes you should go and draw a line).
-Are not pushing their own agenda and filtering everything through their preferred lens.
-Are not glorifying spiritual concepts at the expense of providing relevant, actualized and effective guidance that you can implement. Thank you for reading this far!
Through its origins, the word resolution always referred to the process of reducing things into simpler forms. NOT adding. NOT thinking of what’s missing. NOT looking at what’s wrong and how it should be changed. RELEASING & SIMPLIFYING So a New Resolution is NOT something you add to your already-filled (and heavily procrastinated on) list of things you’d love to have, do and become. It is -instead- the act of asking yourself: “What am I ready to let go of?” Because most of the wealth, health, love and spiritual growth that are not yet present in your experience are NOT going to come from anxiously chasing them. NO. They will come the moment there’s space in your life -and in your heart- to welcome something NEW. The problem is that you keep asking the universe for all kinds of things while having your hands full (and arms crossed.) That’s never going to work… So, make a TRUE resolution: Decide what you will let go of In your habits In your relationships In your social circle In your business / projects In your day to day And above all, Decide how much of YOURSELF you’re willing to shed for good? You will see YOUR LIFE WILL DRASTICALLY SHIFT. PS: Here’s EIGHT key prompts to support this inquiry: 1- Where is there excess in my life? 2- What friendships I’ve begun to resent? 3- What kind of clients/ projects drain me or distract me? 4- What useless habits consume a big chunk of my days? 5- How could I simplify my life ? 6- What’s a ONE WORD theme I will commit to for? 7- In what areas would rest and slowing down benefit me? 8- What’s one belief that caused trouble and has now reached its expiry date? That’s it! May silence, rest, and paced, conscious action permeate your next lap around the sun. And may the silence that your renunciations create become fertile soil for the most beautiful, majestic music you could’ve ever dreamt of.
Rarely anything hurts more than the decay and eventual loss of what used to be a loving relationship..
Separation, lawyers, wasted money, stories and families breaking apart..
Or merely feeling that you wasted your time (and perhaps your youth) on someone who was far from what you dreamt your lover would be like..
Never quite sure of a relationship that had glimpses of beauty, and plenty of ongoing ugly within it.
And the worst of all pains:
Knowing you settled down for mediocre, unconscious and uninspiring love.. ageing void of life and passion next to someone that has turned into a mere roommate (or even worse, someone you now resent and look down to.)
Then we throw into the mix that, in most relationships, it’s often only one of the partners doing the work and dragging the other around..
So you end up feeling alone in trying to improve things.
And when you seek guidance, you come across oversimplified, confusing online advice or unreliable text-book therapists..
Cliche polarity teachings that dismiss the complexity of a long term relationships..
Therapeutic and spiritual teachings that sounds good, make sense, yet end up pushing down your emotions, self-expression and eventually your aliveness.
All of which just don’t cut it for someone who plays life at a very high level and who is not willing to tolerate average in any area of their life..
For they know deep in their heart that it is possible to have spiritual, physical and emotional alignment with their loved one.
Simple teachings for simple people.
Tailored ones, for those on a more profound path.
Anyone can roughly patch up and duct-tape together a broken bicycle… yet if it’s a Formula1 car you’re dealing with, basic approaches just won’t cut it
Throw in all the complexity of high-responsibility business, work and family life and you’re left overburdened, under-resourced and rarely able to make time to prioritize yourself and your needs.
For some, the most pressing need is for clarity around staying or leaving the relationship.
For others who have done some work, the need to proactively improve and embrace change before the monsters of chaos, routine and contempt sink in…
One thing is certain:
Nothing breaks a conscious human’s heart more than feeling ambiguous about anything they do..
Or anyone they love.
For they thrive on commitment and to feel lukewarm about a relationship is not very far from hell itself.
Fortunately, we get to tend to the soil of our relationships and remove the weeds, plant the right seeds and rejoice in the harvests of our choice:
A love rooted in a clean slate, harmony and mutual understanding (especially during conflict) as well as a juicy sex life..
Or not…
We can watch Rome decay and burn in front of our very eyes..
And what once was the greatest dream and potential of a timeless empire becomes consumed by the ignorance and willful distraction of those ‘leading’ it.
So what to do?
If you’re someone who is committed to the restoration of the sacredness of family on earth..
And you feel that there’s far more to your relationship than what you and your partner are currently bringing forth and allowing..
I invite you to join me in next Sacred Relationships Mastermind.
It is a 12 month commitment to save, transform & reignite
good relationships. (or knowing when & how to gracefully let go of misaligned ones.)
Without overused polarity teachings or simplistic spiritual (bypassing) concepts.
My commitment to you, if you join the mastermind is that your relationships will be radically transformed by the end of the year..
You will be in love, spiritually aligned, full of passion, healthy communication and burning devotion..
..Or you will have confidently made the choice to finally move on and get out of misaligned relationships that you were on & off about for years…
It is hard to consider it is YOU who smells like shit.
I see this constantly, especially during breakups:
Partners subtly (or overtly) trash-talking each other, women labeling their exes as narcissists, lazy, soul-less and passion-less wimps.
Men jaded at the entitled, controlling, emotionally volatile and unstable women they dated.
Rarely do I hear someone asking themselves THE MOST important question (when going through a difficult transition of sorts):
How did I contribute to this situation?
Or in other words..
What is the role I played in what happened?
What was my part in this dance and what can I change from now on?
It’s easy (and lazy) to place the weight of a failed romance on someone else’s shoulders and delude yourself into being “the good guy/girl” (AKA: The victim)
It’s also useless.
For you will end up running into the exact same situation, with different characters, until you are willing to take responsibility for the way you showed up and what you co-created.
So remember:
Once you deal with your shit, the flies and the bad smells go away on their own.
But no amount of running away from them will ever set you free.
How to know if you are in a conscious relationship that nourishes your mission and ability to serve.. or whether you’ve been consumed by codependency, attachment and destructive tendencies?
Here’s 5 pointers:
– Your nervous system is overburdened. You sleep poorly, you move through the day in fight or flight, reacting to the world around you and the restlessness traces back to a specific relational issue (you know what it is).
– Your conversations lately are all about your partner and what they are/aren’t doing, complaints, grief, judgements and venting all that has been piling up inside of you and the relationship.
– What he/she is doing becomes an obsessive source of joy or pain, you’re highly dependant on their attention to feel at ease and highly volatile and emotional when you’re not getting it (or insecure about them and others)
– You constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells and there are topics and conversations you are afraid of or cannot have with your partner because of the reaction you anticipate they’ll have.
– You feel apathy, resentment and emotional/sexual numbness, if you’re in a family you start exploring the narrative of “it’s all for the kids” or “This is just the way it’s supposed to be.” to soothe yourself and solve the cognitive dissonance of being in a relationship that does not feel right.
If you nodded to at least 2 of the above, you MUST revisit your current relationship and do something about it!
For a fragile foundation is bound to destroy all you deem important:
Your health
Your heart
Your purpose
Your family
& your relationship to Self.
Unhealthy relating accentuates the “otherness” that creates confusion and division – which often lead to coping in unsustainable ways. (drinking, substances, shopping, overworking, etc.)
A conscious relationship is a sacred space where you are able to find refuge and comfort from the external storms that life throws at you.
It is the space where you can relax and “just be!”, putting aside your mind and allowing for the peace of a loving home to wash away all the excess nonsense you’ve accumulated ‘out there’.
It is where your mission on earth gets reassured and your energy refuelled so that you can go back out and lead and kick some ass – because of it, not in spite of.
It is therefore important that you recognize what needs to be addressed and deal with it before it becomes a silent infection that spreads underneath and finds eventual expression. (and then, it’s often irreversible and hard lines are crossed)
When your relationship container is ‘leaking’ you cannot be a good leader since your mental and emotional bandwidth become saturated with the stress at home, leaving you ineffective to think clearly and act confidently.
Suddenly, your vision takes a second place in the list of your priorities and tending to the conflict becomes the most pressing issue…
And rightly so,
for it only takes a rotten potatoe to spoil the whole sack.
And empires have always crumbled from within.
Do not let that happen to you.
Deal with things and deal with them promptly.
Your life and that of those you serve depends on it.
1- You decide to wear the pants and become his mother
2- You decide to call him out and become the villain
HIS MOTHER:
1- You mother a man when you start pushing him to be proactive about the relationship, to grow spiritually and do his inner work, to quit his addictions, to learn to communicate better and even to organize dates, be supportive with the house duties and so on..
If it’s you trying to find a way for the relationship to thrive, congratulations!
You are his parent, not his partner.
The problem with this is that he will experience you as controlling, nagging, complaining, annoying and put it on you.
Your “forcing” and attempts at leading become the issue.
Which leaves your well-intended efforts feeling misunderstood and creates an extra layer of conflict to sort through.
Most men have not worked through their mother’s wounding, so any strong words coming from a woman are often met with anger (which is in these cases an expression of shame:
Not feeling good enough for you so instead of rising above his limitations he puts you down to equal the playing field.)
CALLING HIM OUT:
2- When you decide you’re done stepping in for him, because you hate playing the masculine role in your relationship, calling him out is what most women resort to.
The problem is that you confuse speaking your truth with ranting and venting your unmet needs.
Here’s a secret:
You will NEVER inspire a man to show up for you by communicating in ways that evoke shame or leave him feeling emasculated.
And the tricky thing with this is that what matters more than your good intentions is the impact your words have on him, so the more reactive the ‘man’ you are dating, the more you’ll find yourself walking on eggshells.
“Oh but Nico! why do I have to cater to his fragile ego?”
Because he’s the guy you chose to date.
You could’ve chosen a Man that leads and doesn’t leave you feeling drained as a woman..
There’s deep trauma patterns for you in that dynamic but we’ll leave that for another post.
When a woman calls a man out she is being the one trying to solve the relationship for both, trying to lead both into more passion, more harmony and growth.
Even if you manage for him to do what you wanted him to do, it will happen out of of obligation and not inspiration.
Congratulations once again!
You’ve got a puppy for a partner that obeys to your commands.
And while this may initially feel like progress in the relationship, you’ll lose attraction and respect for him – for you know deep in your gut that a Man does not need to be herded or dragged around for him to step up for his woman and his people.
So here’s my two cents:
1- You could save yourself all these troubles by dating a Man who loves to lead.
2- If you’re already in a relationship, know that you have an immense power to inspire your man to rise above your wildest dreams:
Tell me about the countless women that grieve having “wasted” their beautiful youth and prime child-bearing years on a guy who wasn’t “yet” ready for commitment..
Tell me about all the men that reach out in despair, traumatized and jaded about unfair, vindictive divorce settlements upon realizing that way more than half of their life’s efforts is going to someone who went from soulmate to cell-mate..
Leave alone the families where kids are involved and internalizing their parents inability to communicate peacefully, respect each other and live in love and harmony..
Everyone loses when you make the wrong choice..
And sometimes the wrong choice is staying in a relationship/marriage past its due date…
Sometimes the wrong choice is ending a relationship/marriage prematurely..
Knowing whether conscious effort or distance is required is where the nuance lies..
The devil is after all in the details
But one thing is certain:
Children grow to think love is meant to be painful, full of resentment, disrespect & obligation..
Men and women lose fortunes in lawyers and divorce cases, often destroying life visions, having to cash investments and damaging the family’s equity..
Add all the fights, emotional (and literal) bruises, mental drain and compromised self-worth and you have a cocktail of the perfect disaster.
NOTHING costs humans more than making a wrong choice when it comes to relationships..
t wasn’t the workshops, retreats, or even the intense months living with Colombian shamans..
Nor the chaos, frustration and feelings of being “stuck”, or the pain from a life that felt incongruent and far below my potential..
While they all contributed to a healthier way of living, it was commitment and love that actually saved me.
It was the choice to co-create a beautiful relationship with a woman and taking responsibility for all that this entailed.
I had to deal with all the nonsense of my upbringing, the imbalances between my inner masculine & feminine, the resentment towards mom and dad, the fears of being vulnerable and the unworthiness and confusion about love and dating in general…
I had to address my workaholic tendencies and see it was but a glorified way of hiding from the world..
I had to start thinking of myself as a ‘family man” and wanting to be a more present partner and parent (than my parents had been)..
So I began being more strategic and intentional, working less and earning more ($70k+ months)
I had to heal my addictions and ways in which I was playing small. They came up and now there was nowhere to hide.
Wanting to lead through example I stopped drinking, eating poorly and started taking impeccable care of my mind, body and heart.
And in learning to be FULLY devoted to another, my spiritual journey sped up beyond my wildest dreams.
I am now certain that a relationship is the greatest fire that will either purify you or burn and destroy you.
Some relationships erode your self-worth, destroy your finances, damage your mental health and degrade the way you relate to life..
Some will help you rise above your limitations, becoming prosperous, passionate and peaceful in the process.
But no relationship ever allows you to remain the same.
So choose consciously!
As if your life depended on it, because -to a large degree- it really does.
I’d tell myself I was confused.. I wasn’t ready.. I was waiting for more divine clarity to descend upon me.. for my talents to bloom fully.. for the market to be ready..
I would tell myself I needed one more plant medicine ceremony, another business mentor, abundance coach or accountability course before I was fully FULLY ready..
But in truth -as I reflect- I see that what held me back was my lack of integrity.
I spoke of love and harmony while my relationships were full of bitterness, sarcasm and disconnection..
I spoke of abundance and trusting the universe but kept clinging to a job that made me great money but eroded my soul in the process..
I wrote about the masculine and the feminine but kept lying, didn’t keep my word, abused my body and ignored my heart..
What I “knew” and how I spoke was not how I lived.
That’s what held me back..
My mind had moved further ahead than my embodied reality and I unconsciously knew that to teach from that place was nothing but a farce..
To attempt to guide others to a peaceful, loving life when my own was riddled with turmoil, compulsion and confusion was nothing short of fraud..
So I procrastinated over a thousand different excuses, until I faced the truth.
These last years have been a process of that:
becoming humble enough to admit where I’m falling short of whom I could be, and responsible enough to understand it’s my job to diligently take care of it.
And in recent months I’ve finally come to a point where I feel in total integrity.
I have walked more than I now talk.
I have not lied in a long time.
I respect others, myself and life.
And the hardest..
I am now the same in groups as I am when nobody is watching.
I have finally made my bed and organized my house.
Relationships with everyone around me are in a beautiful, thriving state.
It was a rough journey but well worth it for I see that life (and people) gravitate towards my message more and more..
It was bound to make someone fall, you just happened to be the one in close proximity to it!
Acceptance means that when you trip, you don’t make it about you, nor you carry a grudge against the road.
It means that after you trip you don’t get stuck yelling at the hole for years, kicking it and hurting your feet in the process. Leading movements against the holes and making your life about them.
It means that you embrace the truth that the road is full of bumps and ditches and that your job, first and foremost, is to learn to walk with awareness.
The word friend, or amigo (in spanish) comes from the latin ‘amicus’ which means a person who is loved.
And love -in its real and empowering sense- isn’t meekness, niceness nor people pleasing.
Love is the ultimate stand we can take for one another.
A place where we can see, beyond each other’s nonsense, the beauty, light and power that lies at the core of every human, and relate to them as such..
Never again looking down, having pity or agreeing with untruths.
No longer buying into their stories of limitation, separation and victimization.
Having compassion and understanding for what they go through without subscribing for a single second to them being smaller than their challenges or incapable of tapping into their heart’s strength.
During the last ceremony I was brought to my knees, quite literally, in agony and despair.
For the first time my body was no longer under my control, my mind was overwhelmed and I felt powerless to deal with any of it..
I felt weak, small and insignificant.
Decades of spiritual work and being grounded amounted to nothing in that moment..
Until a friend came and sat next to me, and feeling the vastness of his heart- I allowed myself to lean in and rely on him.
In that moment I understood that navigating life all by myself (and always being the one on whom people relied) was coming to an end.
In that moment I tapped into an exponential source of strength found in trusting high integrity friendship, and my ceremony turned around.
I saw that a friend is someone whose heart is there to keep you going, not to coddle you and agree with your smallness but to face the unknown side by side.
A friend stands for you being conscious and competent over merely comfortable.
That is love.
To act towards others from the highest place within us, relating to them as the highest place within them.
And friendship, a vehicle for men and women to exercise that love.
To be there for each other, never again as means of escapism and distraction but as allies towards mutual liberation.
